surly pump monkey™

New take, old stuff

2012-02-12T16:52:00.001-07:00

I got a new phone with a better camera.

On the banks of the Wabash

2012-02-06T05:56:00.002-07:00

The mother river of Indiana. It's been unseasonably warm and rainy to boot so the river is up.

Old style

2012-01-31T13:26:00.001-07:00

It won't stream video but it still works.

The wall came down

2011-10-25T22:53:00.003-06:00

In less than a week, I hit that magic age. The one where I'm supposed to be well on my way to being set and having everything figured out. 40. Or at least that's what I thought 40 was supposed to be. Obviously, I was wrong. I still have no idea what I'm doing, barely make any more money than I did at 30 (maybe less in fact) and still generally lost. I've pretty much given up figuring anything out it seems.

When I was a kid in high school, I didn't think I'd live past 25. And I truly believed that life as we knew it would be over way before the year 2000. This was mostly due to the Cold War and the prospect of Mutual Assured Destruction. Everything was going to end in a nuclear fireball. Those that would make it would wish they were dead.

And then the Wall fell. And the Soviet Union collapsed. Myself and others didn't really know what to do. We were supposed to be dead. For a brief few years, there were no enemies.

Looking back, the nineties were a strange time in that regard. There was no boogey man, no one to focus our collective fear and rage towards. There was hope for the future, that maybe we could finally get over ourselves and actually make this a better place.

Ten years later, that went out the window.

And here I am, almost 40 years old. Living in my parents house. I'm not sure what that says.

Sweet Home Alabama

2011-10-20T22:30:00.001-06:00

Sloss Furnace
Originally uploaded by surly monkey

A week ago this time I was in Alabama. Probably either watching or getting ready to watch Man or Astroman?. Unlike Phrank, I thought the were awesome, she on the other hand thought they were horrible. I believe her description of them was "spastic space monkeys". Oh well, different strokes for different folks.

Luckily, I went into this trip with out knowing what to expect. I've never really spent any time in the South. I have to say I came away quite pleased with the experience. The weather was great, so that helped but I found Alabama absolutely beautiful. We were able to take a hike the first day I was there, and the forest was amazing. Many of the same trees that are here in Indiana were present, but there were some I had never seen before. Including magnolia trees, which were awesome, the leaves are the coolest thing. Phrank told me to go feel them, they are smooth and waxy on top and fuzzy on the bottom. The area she lives is a smallish city, and recovering from being hit by a tornado back in April. But still had that small town feel and look. And some of the best doughnuts I've ever had.

We went down to Birmingham for the show. I found myself thinking that Birmingham may be the prettiest city I've seen in the US. I was blown away by the old skyscrapers in downtown and the old apartment buildings and houses in the residential parts. Plus there's an old steel factory called Sloss Furnace that is no longer in use and open to the public. And I found that the people there were rather friendly.

I think I'd like to go back sometime and explore more down that way.

Somewhere South

2011-10-12T22:34:00.001-06:00

Old light pole
Originally uploaded by surly monkey

The bag is packed, the car is relatively clean and I'm hitting the road after a half day of work. This will be the first time I've left the state (with the exception of Cincinnati for a couple of shows) since I got back here. And for once, I get to go somewhere I've never been. The road is taking me to Alabama, to see Man or Astro-man? and Phrank. Seems she moved to her motherland not to long after I did the same.

I miss the traveling. Over the past winter, I was driving back and forth from Steamboat quite often. Yeah, winter driving for at least four hours at a times can be stressful but it wasn't that bad. I got to see quite a few awesome moments of scenery. And some pretty cool sunsets.

Perhaps surprisingly, I'm looking forward to seeing Phrank again. When she lived up the hill from me, it was different. We could just go see each other. Now that there's a fair amount of distance, I find myself missing her. Or perhaps knowing that she's in my proximity. After a few months of scowling across the courtyard at each other, we came to the realization that one way or another, we are going to be in each other's life. And it is an ever evolving. shifting thing. It did take me breaking my face for us to come to that conclusion. Once before I left Colorado, I asked another close friend if I ever badmouthed Phrank when things were bad between us. My friend said "No, and I wish you would have. But you didn't.", so there's that.

And I'm pretty excited to see Man or Astro-man?, after all, they were one of my favorite bands in the 90s.

Fall Fell

2011-10-09T21:36:00.000-06:00

This weekend was what I think is called Indian Summer. The weather was beautiful, not to hot but not cold at all. The trees started to turn to the fall colors and in the course of two days really took off. I managed to get out and walk around in Skiles-Test Nature park, which is an infrequently travelled park in Indy. I only saw about eight other people and that's probably the most I've ever seen there. It makes me happy realize that I'm one of the people in Indy that know about this little secret. And once I got off the main path, I only saw one other person.

It appears in some ways I've still getting acclimated to living here. I keep expecting it to snow about now. And even though that is possible here in Indiana, it's highly unlikely for another few weeks to a month or so. After seeing people in Colorado posting pictures with snow on the mountains, I have to admit, I felt a bit sad that I wasn't there to witness it. In years past, I would always get excited when that first visible sign of snow hit the higher elevations. Here in Indiana, something tells me it's not really anything to get too excited for. Although I probably will anyway.

The change in the weather is seems to be at a slower pace than it was in Colorado, fall seems to last much longer (summer too). I'm finding it strange to realized that I'm already in the third season of the year here in Indiana, with the fourth one not too far around the corner. In some ways I still feel like I'm on an extended visit (and perhaps I am), I don't fully feel like I belong here. After all these years though, I recognize that I feel this way no matter where I live. I felt in in Boulder, Steamboat, Colorado Springs and now here in Indy. I think the only place I really thought I truly belonged was a brief moment in time in Muncie. And that probably had a lot more to do with the time than the place. Oh well. I am used to it now.

And I guess it's ok, it will make it easier to decide to go to the next place where I feel I don't belong.

They locked me up in a padded cell.

2011-10-03T21:55:00.001-06:00

There's no more pumps in my life except when I put gas in my car. I can't say I really miss them. The surly has worn off in the last few months perhaps years. As far as the monkey, I can't say, that may still be correct.

Almost six months ago, I went crazy. Or crazy for me. To the point that I felt out of control and was scaring myself and those around me. It's what precipitated my move back to Indiana. My head got to the point where I wasn't sure if I could be trusted with myself anymore. To this day I'm not exactly sure what caused me to get like that, although I think a lot of it had to do with working in a call center and a couple of other things. Maybe it all built up and I got to the point where I just couldn't take it. I wanted out, I didn't want to be on this planet anymore and it hurt. It's always been the case that no matter what thoughts were going through my head about offing myself, I would never act on them. But this last time, I wasn't so sure. The thing I remember stopping me the most was the thought of someone having to come in and clean the mess I left, and I didn't wish that on anyone.

When I got back here, I never went to a professional to talk about it. Things seem better now, I feel nowhere near as crazy as I did then. But there's times when those thoughts of leaving dance around in my head. And I've come to the conclusion that I've always had them. As I get older, I'm just more aware of them. But they aren't scary anymore. Perhaps it's sad, but I think I've just gotten used to them when they bubble to the surface. There's no real reason for me to have them anymore.

If I were to guess as to the root causes of why I get this stuff in my head, I would say one part is because I have always felt that I am a bit of a failure. The rational part of my brain realizes this is mostly untrue. Like anyone, I have my weak points. But I know that I haven't completely failed at life.

I should probably pay someone to listen to me, but like health insurance, I can't afford to.

No words

2011-09-28T23:05:00.001-06:00

If it's not obvious, these last few weeks have been a trip down the halls of my brain, trying to see what comes up. It doesn't help that my recall sucks. Quite often, some has to tell me the story of what happened before I really remember. But, I have had quite a few unprodded memories come floating up. So far most of them are about my time in Colorado, which makes sense in that I pretty much grew up there w/r/t becoming an adult.

There is a suspicion of mine that some of this is triggered by the music I've been listening to for the last couple of years. I find myself listening to a lot of post-rock and instrumental music. It almost seems at this point in my musical journey, I over listening to people singing. A few good examples of what I've been listening are Red Sparowes, Explosions in the Sky, God is an Astronaut, Mogwai and of course Sigor Ros. With the exceptions of Mogwai and Sigor Ros, there are no words (and the two that have word, the words are usually unintelligible. I like this, I like not having to figure out what the singer is trying to say.

Some of the song do have a traditional song structure, but not many. With the lack of lyrics comes a freedom to escape the verse/chorus/verse structure that is common with many songs in modern music. Much of what I've been enjoying almost has a soundscape quality to it, there's nuances to the songs that go lacking when words get in the way. And yet many times there's still a narrative to the song, there's still a story being told, but it's being told with sounds and music not words. It's approachable in more than one way. I can play it as background if I'm doing something else or play it and really focus on the music.

Having said all that, all the shows but one I've been to this summer were metal shows. Go figure.

Digging through the stacks

2011-09-20T23:11:00.002-06:00

For the past week or so I've been digging around through the various accounts (gmail, myspace and the like (yes, I actually logged into myspace)) I have scattered around the Internet, not really for any discernible purpose that I can tell. One thing that strikes me is that I used to have much more and quality interaction with people online than I do now. There were emails that I had written that were many paragraphs long and if printed may have been multiple pages. Before the days of everyone having either email or a social site profile, I was a bit of a letter writer, perhaps that explains some of this. Not to mention I was more motivated to write in general. Now, not as much.

I was going through a series of messages with someone I originally met online, meet in real life and actually wrote about here a decent amount. I'm actually going to go see her in less than a month and am pretty excited to see her again.

Back to the point at hand though. As with real life, my Internet life has become less engaging for a few years. I mostly lurk on reddit.com, make a status update on Facebook, and then just spend hours going from page to page. Before, I would occasionally chat with people, write a few emails and try to get a few posts a week down here. That doesn't happen anymore. Perhaps I had more free time when I started doing this and being online in general. Or maybe as time went by, I just got bored.

I look back, and realize in some limited form, I've had this blog for a very long time. Since 2005. Sheesh. Admittedly, I've been ignoring it for some of the last few years. When I first started writing here, I was still using the dial-up modem built into my iBook G3, a computer that I didn't replace until late 2008. Dial-up! I remember how long it would take me to upload a picture to Flickr, and the sound of the modem connecting is etched into my brain. That kind of connection I don't miss, high speed is definitely and improvement. The Internet is not the place it was six years ago.

I wonder what's next?

little man

2011-09-19T21:35:00.002-06:00

Burney crossed over the Rainbow Bridge a couple of months ago. It's been a big loss and we all took it pretty hard, especially my brother and sister-in-law. It's only been recently that she and I have been able to talk about him. I never wanted to press the issue, but I'm sure she knows how much he meant to me.

Burney was the biggest dog in the world. Not in size but in heart. Everyone that met him fell in love with him and I don't think he ever met anyone he didn't like. He had a gentle soul. One of my favorite memories of him is how on a warm day, he would come outside, lay down on the brick patio and sun himself. He couldn't have been happier. That or crawling into a hamper full of clothes fresh out of the dryer. He would just look up at you with that little head of his and then burrow back into the clothes.

Like all of their dogs, Burney was rescued. And from the story they heard after the fact, he was much better off with them than whoever had him before. That dog found his heaven with them. They gave him the chance to be the best Burney he could be and he did.

I miss Burney. When I go to their house, I sometimes think before I realize that I'll get to see him. But it only makes me sad for a moment. Because in the end, I was one of the lucky people who got to know Burney.

Ugly Truth

2011-09-18T00:18:00.001-06:00

fern
Originally uploaded by surly monkey

Tonight was the night I knew I was getting towards the old side. The realization hit when it dawned on me that old school Metallica is pretty much considered classic rock.

It was at that moment that I looked around and thought to myself that these kids all look so young. Am I now the creepy old guy sitting in a place that I don't belong? I'm not fully convinced that this is the case, but there are placed I'm beginning to think I shouldn't frequent.

Somedays I feel like I'm becoming one of those guy I would see around in the nineties, the ones that looked like they were holding on to a youth that was increasingly eluding them. But at the same time, I'm not so sure. I know what I like, some of it's old some of it's newer.

This process of getting older eludes me even though I know and see it happening to me. I still am not sure what I want, and wonder if anyone ever really does.

My body feels the years go by. Each break and bump has it's own story, and for someone like me there are a lot of stories. But there are days when I still think I'm that lost 22 year old that got off the bus that night in Denver.

I'm not even sure if I have a point here, other than I'm becoming more aware of the years that are behind me. And starting to wonder.

flowers lomo

2011-06-16T00:38:00.001-06:00

flowers lomo
Originally uploaded by surly monkey

I've been back in Indiana for almost two months now. When I first got back, I was taking quite a few pictures during long hikes in the woods. As money got tighter for me, this hasn't been happening as much. But there's a couple prospects in the next few days. If something happens and it looks like I may have income on the way, it may be time to have one last deep hike in the woods.

So yeah. I came back to Indy. Mostly because Colorado Springs was trying to kill me and I felt like I was going crazy there. I don't feel nearly as crazy now, I still need to talk to a professional and am hoping once I can get income, I can find one.

Anyway. Hope to get more posted here in the months to come and more photos up on Flickr.

Silly Universe

2010-10-07T00:17:00.004-06:00

Why is it that when I finally have a plan, Universe throws a curveball at me? Curse you Universe.

So I have this plan set up to leave Colorado in the spring (looking like late April or early May) and head back to Indy to start over. It's got to better than Colorado Springs. Everything but a job is lined up, and going through my expenses, I don't need that much of a job to cover me in the short them. Crud, the Ambien is kicking in. Part of this plan was an active decision to avoid getting involved with members of the opposite sex.

This is where Universe has thrown me a curve ball. I go up to Steamboat to perform Sam and Juli's (two of my greatest friends} wedding ceremony. The wedding ceremony goes off quite well. The service is short yet powerful. I had scrapped almost every thing I had and completely rewrote it the night be for the wedding (including the vows). I ended up dropping a "cool" in there somewhere that seem to be appropriate. Sam and Juli loved it as they knew it came from my heart. It worked, it was meaningful, powerful and from the heart. And short, we're talking like 10 maybe 12 minutes.

American Relay got back together for one night just for Sam & Juli. If that's not one great gift, then I don't know what is.

Shortly after the band. This young lady (one of the few singles at the wedding, other than myself, Nick (and he's in the band)) and Jay approaches me and starts talking to me about the service and religion (to a lesser extent). I had sort of been avoiding talking to her as I thought that would be age inappropriate on my part. Turns out she's not 21 - 23 like suspected but 26. And she's cool. Like really cool. She knows Built to Spill, which is at least 50 instant bonus points. She's smart, has the face of an angel and in unconcerned by our age difference (to the point of asking me to not bring it up). And did I mention she's into cool music? Yeah. So we hit it off.

I'm not going into anymore details of the night. Between the fair amounts of beer and a smidgen peer pressure, I thought I had pretty much freaked her out. But the next day, things were cool. End result, I got her number to call her next time I'm in town.

Anyway, I didn't wait the amount of time the rules say to contact her. Cool. And now I want to see her again.

And this is why the Universe is playing tricks on me. And the ambien is kicking in.

SE CO

2009-06-30T02:16:00.002-06:00

surly monkey

Today I took off for La Junta. There's a pretty awesome skate park there, it's really big and has good flow. When I showed up there were these kids on ridiculous contraptions that were three wheeled scooters. No speed whatsoever and they ended up in the flats blocking flow. I had never seen such a thing.

I skated for about an hour. The local kids were super cool. They know how lucky they are to have a park like that there. It seems like they as opposed to the city are the ones that keep it clean and they were definitely enforcing the rules as far as park etiquette to the scooter kids. Not only that, but La Junta is one of the few parks I've been to in Colorado where the local kids actually skate the full park and take advantage of the pool aspect of the park. Those kids skate old school there.

This time instead of heading straight back to the Springs I headed down US 350 towards Trinidad. I stopped and took pics. Every town between La Junta and Trinidad no longer exists. It was pretty much the first time of seeing ghost towns for me (with the exception of Victor, CO which has no buildings whatsoever standing).

When I finally convince myself to leave the state of CO, this may be the thing I miss the most. Get in my car for a day and see the world change.

15 years

2009-06-09T02:53:00.003-06:00

Today is fifteen years since I landed in Colorado. I guess it's an anniversary of sorts. I still vaguely remember getting off the Greyhound at the old Denver Greyhound station and walking down to the RTD station to catch a bus to Boulder. Strangely, I remember this Napoleon looking security guard that I would see the next few times I took the bus back to Indiana.

Sheesh, I was so much younger then. It's hard to remember what it was like back then. I know that I didn't really intend to move here at first, I was just coming to visit a friend for a couple of weeks. And yet I'm still here for the meantime.

Fifteen years later, and I'm ready to go back to the motherland. Even with the humidity and crappy winters. Don't get me wrong, I love Colorado but I don't love Colorado Springs. I could go on and on about why but I won't. And I'll miss it here when I finally heat back east.

And in fact I have this feeling if and when I'm back in Indy, I'll find myself looking to the west and putting mountains that don't exist in the skyline.

Bikes

2009-05-15T02:02:00.003-06:00

I can't sleep. Melatonin isn't cutting it this week. Hell, vodka isn't cutting it. What's weird is that whatever it is that's keeping me awake hasn't surfaced enough in my consciousnesses for me to know what words to give it. It must be big because booze would usually work by this point.

It's almost like I'm afraid to go to sleep. And I have no idea why. Crud.

What's even more sad is that I think I'm doing ok. I started commuting to work on my bike back in April. Admittedly, I still drive about one day a week but it's better than I had been doing. And I can already tell I'm losing weight. That and I stopped drinking beer for the most part, which I think was not helping with the weight gain.

But this leads to me wanting to get a new bike as the mountain bike I've had for the last 13 years is no longer cutting it. Not that I want to get rid of it, it's been a sturdy steed and still has lots of life in it. But I'm ready for something different as an everyday bike. My desire is to stop driving as much as possible as long as I live in a place where it's possible to do so(I think I could commute to work at least every month of the year).

At this point I've narrowed it to either a cyclo-cross or touring style bike. And it seems to a degree there isn't that much difference between them these days. But what do I know, I'm new at this again.

Oh yeah, I saw Mogwai the other night. Awesome.

Laws of Attraction

2009-04-05T00:39:00.002-06:00

For a long time I've had this suspicion that I'm destined to spend my life alone. Alone in the sense that I will have no true partner in life, someone to share the intimate portions of life. Most of the time it seems that I'm ok with that. The only time that I'm not is when I've tricked myself into thinking that this is not the case. There are times when I lie to myself, and allow myself to believe that there is a chance I may not have to spend myself alone. These are the times that I open myself up, thinking what I know is true is not and eventually get the equivalent of a dagger in my heart.

Oh when will I learn to accept that I am to be alone?

But tonight, I think for the first time I heard what the reason is that I am destined to be alone. I am not attractive. This is what I heard: "I'm not attracted to you, I tried, I really tried."

This is the key I think. For whatever reason, I am not attractive to the other sex. And it's not that I look like some kind of ogre. But I don't think it has anything to do with looks. I'm not a jerk, and the sad thing is, I think to be attractive as a man you have to be a jerk. So I guess either I'm going to be alone or I need to learn how to be more of a jerk.

I want to be a robot.

Back. In. Screw that.

2009-03-31T01:56:00.002-06:00

So I'm sitting here listening to this Peel Sessions New Order record I picked up today, and it sounds nothing like the New Order I grew up listening to (ok, the last track "5-8-6" has some of what I remember). Admittedly, it was recorded a few years ago be for most of us over here in the States started listening to them. This was recording in 1982, most of what we know here in the States was recording 1986 or later. Curse the record store. And curse my next trip to Twist and Shout up in Denver.

I keep scouring the used bins. I've picked up what I hope are a few gems. Although I suspect that most of what I've picked up is not really that great. I get the sense that in Colorado Springs either anyone that had decent taste has either died or move away. For their sake I'm hoping for the latter.

As always I'm not sure what my point is here. I suspect I'm riding the waves of nostalgia. Especially since I just put on a record that was released the year I was born "Masters of Reality" by Black Sabbath, another score.

I'm avoiding the issue that I think I'm letting myself get hurt again. It's easy though I tie it all up with all these records again and no one really notices. The only one is me, and that's just because I have a strange sense of impending doom hanging over my head.

And I really think that Black Sabbath in the original line-up was way more hippie that we ever want to admit.

Know it all

2009-02-10T01:57:00.002-07:00

So tonight I went down to the local watering hole. I was enjoying a myself just hanging out and talking to the regulars, when the local know-it-all/jerk guy shows up. This fellow is one of those guys that will try start an argument with almost anyone about almost anything someone says. The kind of fellow who will interject himself into your conversation and spout off his opinion even when he has no idea what is being said, he seems to latch onto a keyword or two. That kind of jerk irritates me.

Anyway, I try not to be one of those people. There's been plenty of times where I've just wanted to interject in a conversation but I stop myself. Thanks to social anxiety I never find myself doing that kind of thing. It seems to me that kind of behavior is a form of overcompensation for something. In this particular fellow's case I could see that it may very be the case. This guy (an most like him) is also a one upper. When he left the bar tonight, he made it a point to get the last word as he was driving away.

These people drive me up a wall. I seem to deal with them quite a bit, and usually just wipe it off.

I know how to bite my tongue, and I can't figure out why other people don't.

Oh well, I'll just laugh at them and get over it.

A roof and food

2009-01-30T00:38:00.008-07:00

I'm lucky. I still have a job, I still have a roof over my head and I still have money to feed myself (and pay for this Internet connect, if I remember to pay the bill). There are times when I think we all forget how lucky we are to have these things. The scary thing is, if I were to lose my job, I would have about a month before I couldn't pay the rent and end up out of my apartment. And then what? I guess in my case I could head back to the homeland and stay with friends and family until I got back on my feet.

Others aren't so lucky. We probably see them every day and don't even notice. And the way things are going, there are going to be more Americans living on the streets or anywhere they can. Maybe.

One of the big fears I have in life is that I could someday end up one of those people we see walking around homeless and talking to invisible people. I doubt if I would really get that bad, but for some reason I see it within the realm of possibility for me. It would probably take a lot to get me to that point but who knows. I could swear I've seen visions of myself staggering through a city stark raving mad.

What set me off thinking about this was a post on reddit.com. The submitter of this post was not begging for charity, he was describing his day to day life as the newly homeless. And if you read through the replies, he hit a spot in the Internet. His means of surviving are not legal and he could get in some trouble if he gets caught. What's striking is that the community on reddit really came out with offers of support and suggestions. One of the suggestions he took to heart was to set up a blog that is starting to detail his situation. It is new, but an interesting look on the newly homeless.

I fear that we here in America are going to see more and more of this in the next few years. We just need to remember to take care of each other when we can.

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy

2009-01-21T22:25:00.003-07:00

Lurking around in the Internet you can find a lot of the bad and darkness in the world out there, sometimes in fact it finds you. But lately I've been trying to find some of the lightness and good. It started with looking at lolcatz and loldogz. And then it progressed to more things that could be considered cute. Now mind you, I don't spend all day looking at that stuff. I still read the news and get the bad news too (although I try to stay away from overly graphic stuff, unless it's fake). But I do try now to look at stuff that brings a smile to myself a few times a day. That leads me to articles like this. It's a story of a shop keeper in a small town in England who decided to take the day off but leave the store open with an honor box. He wasn't robbed. I'm trying to see the better side of humanity.

And then I run across this article today. Entitled "The Male Spinster", it makes me wonder if that may be what I am. After reading this, I'm wondering if that's the path I'm heading. Lately, I've started to think that I am destined for a life of solitude. I'm not sure if I'm completely ok with this, but I'm not sure if it's possible to fight fate (if that's my fate that is).

I've never really bought the whole "one true love" thing or the "there's someone for everyone" thing either. It could be that I'm just jaded, but I really thing I've never really believed that those two things are true. Over the years, I've just seen to many people in unhappy, unloving situations and yet they stay in them. Emotions and feelings change over time and I'm not buying that each one of us have a soulmate out there (ok, that sounds pretty jaded, doesn't it?).

But, if that's the life I'm to live (at least for now), then I'll just look at kittens and puppies to make me smile.

Poker, I barely know her!

2009-01-16T23:24:00.002-07:00

Damn, well at least this time I wasn't very invested this time. Nonetheless, I'm beginning to get sick of learning by experience. Perhaps I'm phrasing that incorrectly, what I mean is, I seemed to gathered all of this experience and for once I'd rather be able to apply it rather than learn from more examples.

And I'm not even sure what if anything I learned this time. I'm sure there's something.

Yes, I'm being intentionally vague, I realize this. Put it this way, for once I put almost all of my cards on the table, and seemingly they were snatched away. Poor analogy I realize but I really don't want to go into much detail. This is a public space after all.

This time I'm really not that upset by it, like I said I wasn't very invested. But it doesn't change the part where I'm a tad hurt.

Anyway, enough crying in my beer. So the other day I picked up Wolves in the Throne Room "Two Hunters" on vinyl. I'd already downloaded the album, but liked it enough that I wanted to hear in on my turntable (and it does sound better). I was pleasantly surprised to discover that there was a LP only track on it. And of course the art is cool too.

After being pointed in the right direction by Hutch, I've started getting back in to metal, which at 37 sort of surprises me. One would think that metal is a younger persons genre. On that I am totally wrong.

Surprise! Or not.

2009-01-11T02:28:00.003-07:00

Sometimes I surprise myself. Apparently, once in a while I can actually ask the questions I want answers to in a direct way. It doesn't happen that often, as I tend to beat around the bush. I'm not exactly sure why I do it that way but I do. Tonight, though, I asked a question the way I wanted to hear the answer (after failing at asking it subtly). And it was refreshing to get an answer to it.

Anyway, on to music, I guess. I have this feeling I've been neglecting this part. Tonight after the aforementioned conversation I went out to see my friends' band from Denver American Relay play at the Rocket Room tonight. I completely managed to space taking any cameras to prove my presence so you'll just have to believe me on this one. They played pretty damn good, and ended the show with a bit of a jam session with Reverend Deadeye and Becky Lee. It was pretty fun and I felt my body move a bit. Having only had a beer of two, that's a bit rare for me. But I guess with not having my camera, I didn't know what else to do.

I've been pouring over my music lately trying to come up with playlists. I find it a bit of a challenge. If I'm OCD about anything, it's sorting my music (and photos to a lesser extant), so it can get hard for me to mix genres on a playlist. Trying to make a mixtape/CD is actually hard. Not like making an actual tape back in the day (see Chuck Klosterman for the difference between a mixed tape and mixed CD). But nonetheless, it can be a struggle to come up with the best mix. Especially when you have 25 days worth of music on one hard drive.

Oh well, it's late and tonight I think I drift off with Beruit.

The distance

2009-01-08T23:35:00.004-07:00

There's this person that I think most of us have in our lives. I tend to call it "the one who got away". It seems to me that most of us have one of those people in our past. Mostly in terms of relationships, at least for me and from what I've gathered from others. Now don't take this as pining for in my case, just pure curiosity (that was at least six years ago). But what I wonder is if they are in fact the ones that got away, why did we let them get away?

I know in my case it was mostly geographical distance and a general moving on. Through in some mental issues on perhaps both parts and you have a separation.

And through talking to other people about their "one that got away" is seems that the common theme is physical distance. Again I have to wonder, why is that we try to keep things going over long distance when neither party is going to leave where they are? I know once in my life I've moved to another place for someone and I'm still trying to figure out if it was worth it in the long run (I suspect it was even though I'm not with that person anymore).

Why do some of us insist on maintaining a long distance relationship, we do it because of the distance or in spite of it? I was never able to figure it out for myself. Some of us (myself included) can have some attraction to people who are unavailable. A geographical unavailability is about as unavailable as one can get. Or is one of those "all odds can be surmounted through love" fantasies that we've been fed over the years? Which I speculate clouds our vision of true nature of relationships.

Once again, I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Perhaps there is something I'm trying to work out here. There is a tendency on my part to be attracted to people who are unavailable in one way or another. I'm not sure if I'm doing it again (I'm not going into to detail right now), but maybe in the back of my head that little buzzer is going off this time. That's one of the things that bothers me about me, I'm never really sure what's going on inside my head. And trying to get it down can be a pain. Or perhaps I just found myself in a moment of nostalgia tonight because I put on Modest Mouse for the first time in years.

Was your daddy a thief?

2009-01-05T01:40:00.002-07:00

Like always, I'm not sure how to start. That seems to be fairly prevalent in many parts of my life. Those that know me have a hard time believing that I'm actually shy, but I am. Or at least I'm shy until after the first the ice has been broken, and not always then. I'm one of those people who you see at the party who is kind of hanging to himself (that is if I don't already know anyone there). Oddly, I wasn't always this way. For a brief period when I was much younger I wasn't shy and I could just walk up to people and start a conversation. I don't feel able to do that now. Yeah, it's all a mind game I'm sure but for a lack of a better phrase, I have no opening lines when it comes to meeting people. I don't mean cheap pick up lines, but just simple phrases to start a conversation.

The thing is I find myself getting more and more insular as time goes on. For instance, I have to make myself leave my apartment on days that I don't have to work. And it seems that I'm pretty ok with sitting in here by myself not talking to anyone. But I know that I should leave and get out among people (even if I don't really talk to them), just for some sort of human contact.

It makes me wonder if I need to start talking to a professional about it, or is it just the way I am. To a degree I think I've always sort of been a loner. And I think I've always been aware of this. But there are times when I'm lonely and would like to be in the company of others. I'm not sure what that is, perhaps I just want companionship of some sort.

Anyway. Enough of that. My last Christmas package got here yesterday with a pleasant surprise. Hutch and Hilt got me a Holga camera, so now I have a new toy to play around with. I started playing with it today, but it's a film camera so I need to shoot off the roll tomorrow so I can get it processed.

Out with the old, in with the new

2009-01-01T02:19:00.004-07:00

Yeah, I'm not so much on New Year resolutions. The standard still applies. I need to quit smoking yet again. I need to get my finances in order. I need to start going to the gym. Blah, Blah, Blah.

2008 was kind of a crappy year for me. I got hit by a car, I'm closer to bankruptcy than I've ever been and apparently I got hosed by the one woman I dated. Sheesh. Although I guess there were bright spots, I got pulled off the phones at work, which meant I didn't have to deal with a constant onslaught of customers. And I did discover a few friends here in Colorado Springs. Oh yeah, and I did get a cat, the little bastard is freaking out as I type this.

I can't tell if I'm starting to feel my age or it's just where I live. I can't seem to keep up on music, and I seem to have gained some weight. Back in the Steamboat days, I was at least in shape (good shape for a smoker) and I seemed to be current on music. Now I just feel overwhelmed, especially when it comes to music. But I'm starting to wonder if they are both tied into the fact that I'm just aging. I'm not even sure if I picked up an album that was released in 20o8 in the last year (I'm sure I did, I just can't think of one).

The one thing is, I did notice this was the year it seems I mellowed out a lot as far as music is concerned (except for my recent fascination with the Southern Lord label). I started the year digging the Postal Service and it descended from there. Crud, I'm getting old and mellow in my older age.

Screw this, my 2008 top ten in no particular order (well maybe the first one)

1. My Siblings. You guys rock. You dropped everything to come out to take care of me when I needed it. I may not have thanked you properly, but never think I didn't appreciate it. And that trip to the sand dunes my brother and I took was pretty awesome.

2. The Postal Service. They may be emo (I'm not sure what that means now) but that album was what I had to hear at the time. Yeah, my boy back in Indy called it gay but I don't care. I needed that shot and that album was the one I needed.

3. Health Insurance. Hit by a car. I don't really know if I need to go into detail.

4. Obama. I don't care what anyone says, we elected a black man as president. Yeah, he's black and he's white, but he spoke to a hell of a lot of us. I just want to see if he can carry it through.

5. Digg.com. You helped me waste hours that I could have wasted watching TV.

6. Emusic.com an awesome subscription based music site that supplies straight MP3 format downloads. No DRM. And a really deep library. What I didn't find on vinyl this year, I found there.

7. Stephen Colbert. He has finally come into his own. For years I was a fan of the Daily Show (still am to a degree). But this was the year that he finally overshadowed the Daily Show. His character is freaking awesome, and I'm really curious to see what he will do with it from now on.

8. Vinyl. My new hobby apparently. There's now a bunch of labels that will give you a download coupon when you buy vinyl off of them. Sub Pop, Matador, Merge and Saddle Creek to name a few. If you still have a turntable, it's not hopeless anymore. Although if anyone wants to but that Still/Young Band LP off me, hit me up. I'm just not into it.

9. Linux. Until about a month ago I was using the Linux distro of Ubutnu at home. I'd still use my Mac for music but that was about it. It's ready for the home user unless you're a gamer. The two most recent build of Ubuntu are pretty much flawless, I never even had to use the command line unless I really wanted to. If you don't want Windows and don't want to pay for a Mac, install Ubuntu. It's good stuff.

10. Metal. Especially what Southern Lord is putting out these days. I thought my metal days were pretty much behind me (with the exception of Mastodon and High on Fire) until I started hearing stuff off this label. Drone, Doom and Heavy all on one label. Lair of the Minotaur and Wolves in the Throne Room are two of my current faves off this label.

There you have it, my incoherent top 10. I'm feeling lazy so I didn't link everything. If I feel motivated I may go back and do so. Cheers to a New Year.

Never odd or even

2008-12-28T01:16:00.005-07:00

So I'm sitting here with the cat in my lap. He's headbutting my arm, I haven't figured out just why he does that but he does.

Oh yeah, I have a cat now. Horatio his is name. He came to me from one of the members of American Relay. Not sure if I'm just watching him or if he is mine but we'll see.

Sitting here on my Friday night, part of me feels like I should have left the apartment but I'm bored with the one decent bar within walking distance. Not to mention that I always seem to be hungover after going there.

I've been in this dissatisfied state for a while and I can't seem to figure out what I want. I've never been one to really know what I want to begin with so that doesn't help matters. Work is ok, I don't hate it but I don't love it. It'll do for now, and as long as I'm in this town it is where pretty much all of my friends in town work. It's the first time in a long time that my social life as been so involved with my work life (well Steamboat was that way to a degree, but not like this).

Then there is the split between my desire to have someone in my life and my lack of desire to go out and try the dating/meeting people scene.

Shortly after my accident, I asked out one of the women that was involved with my healing. Surprisingly, she said yes, considering the condition I was in. We went out for a few months and then she called it off, telling me she didn't want to be involved with anyone. Not that long after, I log into Facebook one morning and her status has gone from single to engaged. Just like that. I'm not that broken up over it but I am taken aback and stuff like that always leaves me wondering.

As far as relationships, I just don't want to get beat up and run over again. At this point I need to protect myself (or so I think). What do I know?

Anyway. On a completely different note, one of the best vinyl scores this year was The Cave Singers "Invitation Songs" for $1.99 in the used bin at Independent Records here in town. The album was released in 2007 on Matador. I think whoever sold it thought it was going to be a metal album or something. At times it can be really dark but it's got a quite a bit of folk overtones.

Oh yeah and a King Diamond picture disc. Good stuff.

Hold fast to the center

2008-12-21T01:46:00.005-07:00

It's been awhile. I've not wanted to come back here after the accident. I can't really explain it. It's kind of like the time my backpack was stolen with my journal in it when I was in college. I stopped writing for years when that happened.

So maybe I'm trying this again or maybe this is a one time thing, I'm not that sure.

One of the last times I quit doing this was after I started going out with Phrank, at that point my sister commented "well now you have nothing to complain about so why do the blog?". Sadly, I think she may have been right.

I'm not that sure if I have that much to complain about any more though. Sure I could complain about how I'm single yet again (and eventually that story will come out), but that gets pretty boring after awhile. And I rarely deal with customers directly anymore, so there isn't that much to mine from that.

Perhaps the deal is now I just feel stagnant and I don't really have any idea where I'm at. So much for a spectacular re-entry into this (I hesitate to say blogging due to that stupid Twix commercial).

But earlier today someone asked for recommendations for emo and shoegazer music. I have no idea what is now considered emo. To me emo is still Texas is the Reason, The Getup Kids and the like. And the granddaddys of that are Fugazi, or at least the first two albums (of course this is all my opinion and I am leaving out quite a bit as far as old school emo). And then there is Hot Water Music which I would still classify as emo but what do I know. To me true emo died sometime in the mid to late nineties.

Shoegazer bands on the other hand are still recording. It started back in the UK with bands like Ride and Slowdive (I know I'm missing something here but I don't care, I grew up in the States and this is what I know). To me the first two Swervedriver albums (Raise and Mezcal Head) really define UK shoegazer music. But then the Scots perfected it when Mogwai hit the scene. And to a lesser extent The Twilight Sad (and yeah, I know I'm skipping a whole lot of UK shoegazer bands). But it gets tricky when you try to put American bands in the mix. I'd thow in Yo La Tengo but they go into so many other paths it's just not right to pigeonhole them as shoegazer. Built to Spill, yeah you could put them in there, and most of the side project like the Halo Benders and the like. Heck at times, Sonic Youth could be thrown in there, but I can hear the grumbles now.

I'm never good at classifying bands into certain genres, it seems most of them drift in or out of any slot they get put in. And it's not like I'm a music critic or anything. But it seems that what could be called shoegazer is what I seem to have the most of. And I still can figure out where to put Death Cab for Cutie. I think they could be both.

See, no whining about my status.

What Happened?

2008-06-02T01:00:00.003-06:00

Almost a week ago, I came to in the CAT Scan tube at Memorial Hospital here in Colorado Springs. And that memory is fuzzy at best. The last thing I remember before that was talking to some people at the neighborhood watering hole.

When I finally became cognizant, I was talking to a policeman and ER staff who told me I had been in a bicycle accident. Actually at that point, I think they were doing most of the talking. They weren't sure what happened, maybe I got hit by a car, maybe I took a spill.

Nonetheless, I was messed up. My face was a bloody swollen mess, some of my teeth were bent in (not broken!) and my left eye was swollen so much I couldn't see out of it.

My friend Jeremy picked me up from the ER, after a few hours I called him to take pharmacy for painkillers, I was in pain. In the meantime the (her words) psychotic ex girlfriend learned what happened and told me in no uncertain terms that she was going to watch me until my sister got here. And then she took care of me until then. And made me juice, and put towels on me to soak up the blood. My left eye oozed blood for the first two days.

That was day one.

Since that day there has so many people helping and offering to help, I was overwhelmed. Currently my brother is here for about a week.

I ended up breaking about 10-15 bones in my face but they were all clean enough that I don't need any surgery. Somehow I managed not to sustain a head wound (I think because my face took the brunt of the impact) and no brain damage. However, I did crack the upper palate in my mouth and now have my jaw wire shut for 3-6 weeks.

But I'm pretty damn lucky. I'm lucky to be alive and to have come out of this as unscathed as I did. I suspect this could be one of those defining events for me.

As to what happened, I have no idea. It still hasn't come back to me. Last night I went back to the bar where the ambulance picked me up and got a few details filled. What I can piece together is that some woman called 9-11 saying that there was someone laying in the road by the post office. After she called, I somehow managed to get up and go back to the bar for help. The bartender that was working that night told me I didn't know my name, where I was and what happened. I just showed up at the back door of the bar like something out of a horror movie.

What I suspect happened is I got clipped or hit by a car. I've taken spills on my bike when intoxicated before but not like this. There were no marks on my hands for one.

I'll never know exactly what happened that night. I'm glad to still be here though.

Done

2008-05-15T23:57:00.002-06:00

Once again I find myself slacking here. Sorry to the all two of you regular readers. You know who you are (seriously, I'm down to just you two).

And I've been slacking on my picture taking, although now that it's starting to get green outside again I probably will find myself motivated to start taking more photos. I was really getting bummed out by all the gray. Rarely if ever will you hear me complain about snow, but I was/am getting sick of the cold gray and tan surroundings. We didn't really get that much snow this winter although it was threating to snow at some point today.

I've given up or at least I don't care anymore. As far as the womenfolk go. I'm not pining to be with anyone (it'd be nice) and I don't even know if I want to be bothered with getting involved with anyone. Having said that, it doesn't mean my eyes are closed. The last time I took this stance I ended up on a three year dry spell. And by dry spell I mean nothing. No dates, no hand holding and nothing else. That part wasn't exactly ok. And in fact I'm torn between what exactly giving up means. Does it mean to completely disengage or just not care anymore. Does giving up mean I'm not able to show interest or just that at this point either way is ok with me. Crud, if I'm asking these questions does that mean I haven't given up?

Ugh. I'm going to bed.

Get this out of my head

2008-05-07T23:43:00.002-06:00

Apparently, I'm not depressed just obsessive. And I wish my obsessiveness was directed at keeping my place clean instead of the direction it has been heading.

Ever since I'm stopped taking the meds, I've had a certain type of thought continue to run through my head. Mostly, when I'm at home and not really engaged in anything else. I don't really remember having these kinds of thought patterns before but I was on the meds long enough that I don't really remember what it was like before that. Especially in the place I am now. Before, I was still living in Steamboat with a fairly strong support system that I could talk things out. I have that here but to a much smaller degree. And sometimes I feel I have to watch what I say or it will come back to haunt me.

Geez, I feel like everytime I write something here, I'm just working the same question over and over again.

Try this, we finally had our first thundershowers today. Actually the thunder and lightning started last night. It has been a long time since I heard thunder (except for that thundersnowstorm we had last month) with rain and lightning. I was talking to another person today about how I still miss the all day thunderstorms back in the midwest. We just don't get those here. Hell, by the time I left work today the sun was out and pretty much everything was completely dry.

And I've had the Avett Brothers stuck in my head all week.

Booze vs. Pills

2008-04-25T00:03:00.002-06:00

I'm down to one prescription. And I'm trying to get my dosage back down. Unfortunately it's a sleeping pill to combat my chronic insomnia. Back when I had work that didn't require as much brain power as the one I have now, there was a certain drug that could be purchased on the black market that took care of the insomnia. It doesn't seem that I can use that one anymore on days that I have to go to work as it leaves me really fuzzy. And I'm not always that great with how it makes me feel. Booze works but then there are the hangovers. But that's what I'm doing this week. Trying to find that happy medium of alcohol that well let me sleep but not make me too drunk that it hurts in the morning.

Preferably, I wouldn't self-medicate but a sleepless night is worse that a few nights of light drinking. And I've found that scotch seems to be the best, I feel pretty clean and rested in the morning after a two or three rocks glasses. Tonight it's wine and beer. The goal here is to not take the pills for a week so my tolerance decreases back to what it was when I first started them. I realize it's not the best solution but for now it's seems to be working.

At least I'm off the other medication, which I really think was causing more problems than fixing. It was an antidepressant that I sort of let myself get talked in starting. I mentioned in an email tonight to a friend that I think I actually feel better off of it than I did when I was on it. Yeah, I'm susceptible to bouts of depression and those bouts suck but I always realize that at some point it will go away. The meds work great for some people and when those meds work for who they are supposed to, that's great. I'm probably just not one of them. Or at least at this point.

The one drawback of using booze as a sleep aid is getting online. I end up inadvertently sending emails and posting comments that I normally wouldn't. In fact, last night I think I may have accidentally asked a someone out through a social network comment. Although, if she agrees then that wouldn't be such a bad thing.

The cold spot on the bathroom floor

2008-04-23T23:18:00.002-06:00

I finished my smoke in the bathroom, stood up to light the incense (to wash out the cigarette smell) and put my foot in the cold spot where my scotch glass had been sitting. All of a sudden I realized I can feel again. Perhaps not the best way to come such a realization, with the glow of scotch warming me up but nonetheless it's there. For so long I've been completely numb to what's been going on inside me. Whether it was the medication that was doing that to me or I have just been suppressing everything, I'm not sure.

After getting over the first week of quitting the medication (which was a descent into obsessive hell) I've started feeling things again. And yeah, it's been both sides of the coin. I have my moments of darkness but on the same hand I can laugh again and it doesn't feel hollow. It probably doesn't hurt that the sun is out again and I've attempted to be outside, whether just walking around or riding my bike (I still haven't been skating like I should be).

Another thing about going off the meds is I've been doing a bit more introspection, not much but a bit more than before. And I can't decide anything. I've always been a fairly solitary person and for the most part that's fine. I can handle being alone. But there are moments when I want company. Then I ask myself is it worth it? Do I really want to go through that agonizing process of getting back out there and meeting people for the sake of having company when I am lonely? Or am I really just better off flying solo? After the last few relationships, I'm inclined to say in the long run I'm better off alone. At least if I'm alone I never have to go through the pain of the end of a relationship.

If I were fifteen years younger it wouldn't be a problem. But those days are long gone. And that's something I accepted a long time ago.

Softer this time

2008-04-16T23:17:00.003-06:00

After heeding my brother's concern I decided to delete last night post and the comment that went with it (and there are so few of those these days). But they were both correct to have expressed their concerns to me. And I glad that I have the kind of siblings who are afraid to tell me I've stepped over a line.

What I think I was trying to say is that in a completely irrational way, is that there is a part of me that would like to know that people who cause me pain will end getting the same kind and then some. The pain I'm talking here it the emotional roller coaster that I still find myself ridding at the age of 36. Part of growing up was to be that you get figure this stuff out faster as you get older.

Or so I was lead to believe. As you get older and you meet people who are older than you and they don't seem to have figured much out. Although sometimes people like that are a good milepost to see which direction one is heading. For instance, when we're out the other night some older drunk guy dame up to us and told us a pretty lame joke. I think to myself, I really don't want to end up like him. The sad thing is, I'm not so sure how close I could wind up being like him. I know I'd have to really start drinking a lot more cheap beer and even cheaper whiskey. And lose a few more teeth.

So for those of you that read this deleted post. I was rambling. Instead of doing anything about it by way of a grand shceme, I'm going to leave it alone. And may try to develop subtle mind control powers. That would be far more satisfactory. And it could become a hobby.

Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. I just started certain parts of the grieve process a bit late that's all.

Three days

2008-04-15T01:03:00.006-06:00

Now that I have three days off in a row, I'm not really sure what to do with myself. Today I had to make myself find things to do, although I did go skate for the first time in months (I can already feel the winter weight dropping). I have this feeling I'm going to have to start leaving town more often just so I don't consume myself with boredom and obsession. I found myself consumed with thought today that I really didn't want in my head. Which lead to me going out and finding things to do. I finally had to give Jeremy a call and say "I'm bored, let's go get a drink." Thankfully that was at a respectable hour.

I did come to the conclusion at the skatepark today that I am really out of shape again. So I guess I'm going to have to start hitting the parks again. Which having three days off will help with this, I can head down to Trinidad without feeling rushed. And I have until the beginning of June to have the parks to myself or at least me and the other old farts.

One thing I've noticed after I quit taking the meds is that I seem to obsess about things that I didn't before. My guess is that the particular medication I was one evened me out to the point where that wasn't even really an option. Wow, welcome to mental clarity or whatever. I don't regret my choice to go off them. I feel better for the most part, but having to stop myself from thinking certain things is a new thing again. I'm not going into detail about what I've been obsessing about, it's immature and unproductive at best. But it's weird, now I think it must have always been there and the meds were suppressing those thoughts.

Strangely, when I first started taking that medication it seemed that I was able to concentrate more than I was before. I'm not so sure now. Perhaps I just deluded myself into thinking that was a benefit of the meds. I know that it seemed to kill whatever creative spark I had left and that is part of the reason I stopped taking them (that and I was sick of the wicked hangovers after having just a couple of drinks). I'm still not of the woods yet, I suspect I have at least another week before they are completely out of my system.

I went on these drugs because I thought I was depressed and prone to depression. And I am prone to it and it sucks. But at this point I think I'd rather feel the whole thing than just be leveled out. I still have a stash if it ever seems to get too rough. But I think I can ride it out.

I think I'll go skate Canon City tomorrow.

Red Flags

2008-04-14T02:02:00.002-06:00

So about two weeks ago, I got the phone number of a lady (I may have mentioned this). Finally last night I left a message on her machine. Part of the reason I waited so long to call was that there were a couple of red flags that popped up when I met her. After this last relationship there are a few things that I know I don't want to be involved with. One of those is alcoholics, recovering or active. And I suspect if this lady isn't an alcoholic, she may have a drinking problem at least. Admittedly, I've been know to go out and have a few drinks, or have a couple here at home. But I've never considered myself to be someone with a drinking problem.

Having said that, last night I was out at the bar by my house and the bartender asked me if I had done anything about her. He then proceeded to confirm my suspicions and tell me that I probably shouldn't even bother with her. Apparently she was in there before I was and her behavior was that of someone I want nothing to do with.

Seems my hesitation was the right call for this situation. Of course, now I'm starting at square one as far as potential people to date. Oh well, this is not the first time. I think I need to find some new places to met women.

Breaking the strings

2008-04-09T23:36:00.005-06:00

It's been almost a week since I took the last pill. Not that quitting the antidepressants was a conscious choice. But after not taking them for four days and the worst to happen was a headache that the ibuprofen could take care of I think I'm just going to stop all together. I was out with the boys from work last night and one of them commented that I seem happier than I have in a while, perhaps as long as he's known me.

I was always wondered a bit as to why I agreed to be on them. There was a bit of peer pressure at the time, and one of my flaws is at times I succumb to peer pressure. And I guess at the time I thought I needed them. Perhaps they served their purpose but now I want to not be even keeled anymore. I actually want to know what things feel like.

With the break up several months behind me, I think I'm in the place to stop taking them. Oh sure, I may obsess about her at times but I'm pretty good about keeping that suppressed to begin with.

Of course, I still have my sleeping pills. For a night owl like me who has to be at work earlier and earlier, I doubt if I could sleep without them (actually I can, but it takes a different kind of self medication). And so I'll stay on those, the worst side effect the have is that I'm a touch groggy in the morning. But it's not something coffee can't take care off.

I've also decide that I'm going to spend a fair amount of my next three days off working on getting this place together. Mostly because my last trip out of town I dumped everything in the middle of the floor and still haven't moved much of it to where it really belongs. And I still have photos to hang up and music to figure out what to do with. Or at least a way to display it. And I need a chair. One that I can sit in and read or watch a movie. Preferably one that reclines (then I could fall asleep in it).

Oh well, starting Sunday I get three days in a row off for the first time ever.

Thunder Snow

2008-04-03T23:16:00.004-06:00

It was dumping snow when I got out of work. Almost as soon as I walked out of the door there was a clap of thunder in the middle of this snowstorm. Just one clap but it was thunder. It's been years since I've heard thunder in the middle of a snowstorm and before today there was only one other time I'd experience such a thing.

It's sort of weird to hear thunder in a snowstorm. I suspect Colorado is one of the few places one can witness this type of thing. Before I came here I'd never heard of it. After I'd been here people would talk about it but it was several years before I ever heard it.

Part of me wishes it was a full on thunder snowstorm. Actually more than a part of me. That would have been pretty cool.

There is good news in my work thing as well. I've been reassigned to the helpdesk which means I'm off the phones for the most part. Now instead of dumb customers I mostly have to deal with dumb agents. But at least now I don't have to take random calls from irate customers. Other than having to call them back to let them know that we had to set up an all day window to get their digital telephone installed. The cool thing is that I'll be learning a bunch of new stuff. I'm not sure how practical it will be but it can't hurt.

Which also means no more telling people their phone or internet isn't working because they need tp plug their modem back in.

little steps

2008-03-31T23:42:00.002-06:00

It's that time of night where the generic Ambien kicks in and I get this sort of light headed tired feeling. My doctor told me that Ambien acts a hypnotic, I can fee that it put me in a certain state. A state almost like being drunk without being drunk. My motor skills aren't quite what they were a half an hour ago. And there are some perceptual shifts around here. Curves that weren't there seen to show up and the floor seems to develop when I'm walking around the apartment. There are times I consider taking maybe one more than I should just to see what would happen. Of course it would have to be when I'm not working the next day. It could be interesting.

For the first time in a long time I did manage to get the phone number of a woman this weekend, which I think means I'm taking my small baby steps and getting back in the game. And I think tomorrow is the day I'm supposed to call her. It's been so many years, I can't remember the rules of the game.

The one thing is, if I am starting to date again, I need to be careful. There is a list of red flags that I've come up with. I'm not so sure how serious some of them are, but some of them are hard and fast. I'm not really going to outline them here, other than sanity is high on the list. No longer do I want to be around people who are not sane. Perhaps thats unfair, because all but one maybe two were clinically sane. But I guess crazy takes various forms.

And I'm still looking for a plant to put up in here. And hang those damn photos that are haunting me.

The revolution skipped a beat or two

2008-03-25T23:11:00.003-06:00

It seems that when I make a trip to the video store, I almost always end up with either a documentary or some form of Japanese animation to watch.

Tonight I watched The Weather Underground. I've always been curious about this group, although I'm not really sure why. It was an interesting documentary, though. Mostly told from the point of view from some of the radicals themselves with a bit of one of the FBI agents that tracked them thrown in for balance. The thing that struck me is that these people believed that the revolution was right around the corner. I can't really say that I've ever thought that in my life. Or at least not that there would be some radical overall of the current system like these folks believed. Perhaps I just grew up in an age that was more cynical, or perhaps the repression that these people spoke about was/is true.

There was a time in Indiana that I did believe that the Indiana and the midwest in general was going to revolutionize music. This was right after Seattle broke and there were just so many good bands in the midwest playing all kinds of music. That never really happened but damn it felt like it was just around the corner. And I'm not the only one who thought that. Over the years I've talked to people from back there who felt the same. We were young and naive back then. What none of us realized is that for a area to take off musically it needs to be near a coast. And the closest coast to Indiana is the Third Coast. Admittedly, Chicago has alway had a thriving scene (and I'm not saying that midwest cities don't) but the hotbeds for music labels seem to be on the main coasts or slightly inland.

Or I could be old and jaded.

That pile in my kitchen

2008-03-18T00:03:00.004-06:00

Well, I'm finally in my new place with just me and my computers. The apartment still looks a little sparse as I haven't framed and hung any photos but I have a few in mind. And the corner in the kitchen has boxes of Cd's, records and god knows what else. That's OK I remembered that I can stow stuff under my bed again. Plus if nothing else there is actually a lot of storage space (which right now is filled with mostly empty boxes that I keep telling myself will come in handy the next time I move somewhere (which could be a matter of months or longer).

Looking at all of my stuff piled haphazardly in boxes, I realized this time before I put those boxes bad on the shelf I really need to go through them. The truth is most of the items fall into just a few categories. I think the biggest category would probably be various forms of correspondence I've received over the years. There are letters from people I vaguely remember, there are letters and cards from relative who've since passed on (one Granny in particular). Friends who were writing me back after I'd written then a drunken letter (I've always been more of a drunken writer as opposed to a drunk dialer. And I need to go through those letters, not so much to get rid of them but perhaps to organize them.

Another category is the trinkets and toys that people have given me (and I've bought for myself) over the years. An example is the little green alien statue that always seems to end up on my bookshelf at some point or in a plant. Of which I haven't picked any up yet. I need to get at least one.

And then there is the truly random crap that I can never seem to part with. Like the notebook from college that I just can seem to part with. Or the miniature stuffed skunk named Buster. Stuff like that. And I'm of course the dork who is sitting in front of two very old computers. One for Internet and one for photos and music.

It"s getting there.

That box of photos

2008-03-13T11:41:00.001-06:00

The world is in a cubicle
Originally uploaded by surly monkey

Unpacking can sometimes be as tedious as moving for me sometimes. Hell, most of the time I never fully unpack. I just leave most of the stuff in the boxes I put them in and drag them from city to city. At some point I should really go through those boxes and see how much of that stuff I really need to keep. A lot of it is old letters from people either long forgotten or dead, so I hold onto it. But it could be consolidated.

At some point I acquired a scanner. Since I don't have an Internet connection at home right now (come on Saturday!), I spent part of the last two evening going through old photos and scanning some of them in. It seems I take better pictures when I use digital, either that or my skills have progressed more. That and my old film camera was a point and shoot. It is good for what it does but my digital cameras have been much more flexible.

Sorry I got sidetracked there. My point actually was that going back through those old photos always triggers a flood of memories. There's pictures of all the dogs in my life, former roommates, friends from long ago and at least one former girlfriend that I still miss sometimes (at least a lot more than the others). I'm not sure if I'd really want to relive those years again but sometimes I think those times were better than now. Of course, we always remember the past probably better that it really was. But I look at the few photos of me from back then and I'm smiling. And it doesn't seem to be forced like it is now. Maybe in a way I was more innocent or at least less jaded.

Nonetheless, I can't go back to those years even if I wanted to and I am better off now than I was then. But I still want a piece of that guy back.

Some song about a bird that's free

2008-03-04T23:46:00.000-07:00

Soon I'll truly be living by myself. No ex girlfriend's stuff to look at. No needy cats. Just my little place which is basically going to be a room as it's an one bath studio. But I get a balcony and I can have plants again.

Actually, having plants again is a big bonus and that may be one of the first things I buy for the place. That and a trash can, plate, bowl and a set of flatware. Maybe I should get two of each (well not the trash can). As some can attest, when I lived up in Steamboat I had some really nice plants that I gave away. The good news is someone up there has started clipping from my old plants. So in a way I'll be getting them back. At least genetically.

It is a really small place, the truth is I haven't seen it yet but it's in the same complex so I know it will be clean when I move in. The management company seems to do a pretty good job of getting places ready for the next tenants.

Some folks at work are trying to get me to have a house warming party, but I seriously think that only six people or so could be there at a time. So maybe I'll have my house warming party at the bar down the street. That could be fun. And one guy ask if he could bring a plant. Of course. He can bring the plant to the bar.

One of the strong pulls I have about going to Indiana is that there is a much longer growing season and the earth was make for growing plants. I'm lucky that my parents have a big enough spread that if nothing else I could have a small portion to start a garden. I'd have to start with the simple hardy stuff. And maybe some daisies and columbines if I can get them to grow there.

A few nights back, I was telling some lady about how I'm moving back. When she asked why, I started talking about the earth there. The earth and the soil and how the land of that place gets inside you and never leaves. Or at least some of us.

I'll talk to friends who escaped Indiana, and many of them want to return at some point. Mostly the ones who grew up in the Indy area. We seem to be feeling that pull as we get older. It was probably inevitable. And my friends who are staying where they are still live some where they could have nice garden if they wanted to. Maybe there is something to soil in Indiana.

And if anyone in Colorado Springs reads this and wants to help move a couple of boxes this weekend let me know. I'll get a round at the Point when we're done.

Running out boxes

2008-03-03T23:27:00.000-07:00

Moving sucks. Right now it beats the alternative, and I'm only moving one building over but it still sucks. Tonight I boxed up most of my book and have come to the conclusion that I'm due to have another bookshelf. Seeing how I haven't actually seen my new place, I think I may just end up with stacks on thee floor. It'll be like living in a bookstore, all I'll need is a cat.

Perhaps it's not the moving so much as the packing before moving, It didn't take that long to box up the box. But I stopped and thought to myself, "well this is going to screw up my system". Not that I have much of system other than trying to keep books by the same author together. And sometime try to shoot for a bit on genre continuity.

But then I hit myself with authors like Kurt Vonnegut (RIP), some his stuff could sort of go in SciFi but he never really wrote SciFi. Yeah some of his stuff was set in SciFi worlds and situation but I would never classify him as SciFi. He wrote like a grumpy man that told stories of horrible things happening to people and yet there was a strong sense of hope underneath it. Like the man said (I don't know which man) his (Vonnegut's) stories were sugar pills with bitter coatings.

Being that I am a geek, my SciFi collection has grown exponentially over the last year or so. I started by picking up some of the classics that I read back in middleschool and high school. Like Isaac Assimov, Arthur C. Clarke, A Canticle for Lebinwitz and other stuff like that. Then I moved into Neal Stephenson who writes some amazing stories and has moved onto volumes of historical fiction.

Which I guess means most of these last few guys will end up close by each other on the shelf. And then there's all the other stuff.

And I haven't even started looking at the CDs and vinyl. You may find me trying to sell some of that stuff off on either craigslist or ebay.com. Music is the worst to try to organize for me. I can never think of were to put things. Like should Bob Mould solo stuff/Sugar go next to the Hüsker Dü? Or should Hüsker Dü go closer to Fugazi and Sonic Youth?

And this is why I hate packing.

And now a word from our sponsor

2008-02-28T22:27:00.003-07:00

A few months back I started a subscription at emusic.com. Mostly because last summer at Pitchfork they were passing out cards with free downloads and there was a free sampler with bands from the festival. I've kept the subscription going as I keep finding things to download, and I'd like to think that some of the money makes it's way to the bands. And unlike the iTunes store everything you download is just mp3 format, so no DRM.

The cool thing is, I've downloaded music that I would have never purchased or even heard. Just the other night I discovered godspeed you! black emperor, who have proceeded to blow me away. They have this epic length pieces that are almost classical in arrangement but with added distortion and found audio samples. I don't think I've found a single piece of their's that is less than ten minutes long. Too long to even hear the whole thing one the way to or from work.

It helped me find stuff for my recent and somewhat ongoing jazz phase as well. The sight has a ton of Sun Ra recordings among other things.

Dang I sound like a shill, but I really am just happy to have found that site.

Eagle Valley

2008-02-24T23:40:00.003-07:00

For the first time since 1994, I saw the town and mountain of Vail in daylight. And spent a day riding a small part of the mountain. Over the years I'd heard people say, "oh you have to go ride Vail, it's amazing" And they were right. If I had the money I think I'd go there as much as possible. Saratonin and I only hit a small part of the front face of that mountain. Of course it work me pretty damn good and I was pretty much out of it the rest of the day.

Which was fine as we ended up in Eagle dining at the Gourmet China Restaurant which is like almost every Chinese restaurant you'll fine in a mountain town. As in decently priced, nice servers, and good food. This place seemed to be really into shrimp dishes. I don't have a problem with seafood in Colorado but sometimes shrimp this far from a large salt water body (and no the Great Salt lake does not count) scares me.

My sister lives in a small mountain town that the Eagle River flows through, it's a cool little town. I know I could never live there, Steamboat was small enough for me. Here place is a Hobbit hole of a place, that includes a sort of barn door as the outer door. I managed to not take any pictures of Minturn (and really nothing much else) while I was there but I have some ideas for shots the next time.

The drive back, I decided to get off the Interstate and take U.S. 24 back to Colorado Springs. I hadn't been that way since '96 or '97 so it was pretty neat to go that way. Which on a good say seems like it's some what faster and far more scenic that doing the I-25 to I-70 drive. So depending on the weather I'll probably go that way from now on. Not having to deal with the Denverite traffic is good and views are actually calming.

Anyway, I'll probably staying closer for the next couple of weeks. I have to move into my new studio in two weeks and I need to not be spending money. And I need to start boxing up my stuff yet again.

Anyone want to help me move on March 8? It's just going from one building to another and I don't have that much stuff.

Swetsville Zoo

2008-02-18T23:00:00.001-07:00

Close up of Croc Driver
Originally uploaded by surly monkey

This weekend I went up to Ft. Collins. We ended up playing Rock Band most of the time, I can't play the drums but I did ok with the bass (of course that was the easy setting). If I had the money I'd spring for a PS3 just so I could play it more. Of course I don't have the money for that.

Sometimes I forget how much I enjoyed my time in Ft. Collins. The city reminds me of a town in the midwest, although a bit windier. The people who live there seem to have a similar attitude to the people back in the midwest. It's laid out in a grid like most cities back east and there are no big hills, it's mostly just rolling hills. The summer especially remind me of back east, streets there are tree-lined with what seems to be fairly old trees and you can bike almost anywhere. Unlike most towns in Colorado the older houses have porches, big porches.

On the way home I stopped at the Swetsville Zoo. My sister told me about it back when I lived in Ft. Collins and I've stopped by a few times but I never had my camera with me. It was deceptively cold with the wind so I wimped out after just taking a few pictures. I guess that means I'll just have to stop by when it's warmer to get a few more pictures. Maybe with some greenery around as well. It's a pretty interesting place, it consists of sculptures made out of old car and farm implement parts. Some of the stuff is sort of freaky and the guy who makes the pieces must have one interesting imagination.

Completely unrelated, I was pleasantly surprised to get a call from someone I haven't talked to in over ten years. It's pretty cool that these people from my past and I have been starting to reconnect in the last couple of years. And with a fair share of them, we've managed to stay in touch. I'm lucky that I have so many people in my past that I call and have called my friends. Lately, it's been a source of strength, considering what I've been going through.

It's pretty cool to pick up the phone and start back up close to where you left off. Even if it was over a decade ago.

Driving on Colorado Highway 9

2008-02-12T23:08:00.001-07:00

mountains on Colorado Highway 9
Originally uploaded by surly monkey

Anytime I drive on the highways of Colorado, I always see something that is just spectacular. Well maybe not every time, but pretty damn close. Especially when there are clouds hanging over some mountain, I alway get a sense of some movie or photo that I can't remember where I've seen it.

This last drive I actually got out of the care a few times to take some pictures. Most of the time I just stick my camera to take a picture, the results are medicore at best. For whatever reason I seem to that someday I'll actually get a good picture that way.

Not that I planned on staying here fourteen years ago, but I was lucky enough to land in a state that has a lot of beautiful vistas. Those views are something that I don't try to capture often enough. And if I don't they soon leak from my mind. I will forget something I've told myself I won't forget if I don't capture it.

I doubt if I'm the only person that happens to. It annoys me sometimes but I just chalk it up to brain chemistry or the abuse I've put myself through in the past.

But hey, sometime I actually can capture that moment and that makes me happy.

Drunken idiot

2008-02-11T22:59:00.001-07:00

Nick's guitar and Alex
Originally uploaded by surly monkey

It seems that most of Colorado was closed on Friday or at least the part I was trying to get to. I-70 was shut down for most of the day and Rabbit Ears Pass was closed until late. The plan was I was going to go up to Steamboat and ride Howelsen again but that kind of didn't work. I did make it up for the night on Saturday to see American Relay.

For the first time in either a long time or ever, I was targeted by a member of the crowd for taking pictures. It was some drunken idiot who was sorely in need of a shower and perhaps rehab (although Steamboat has a fair share of people that need it). He started by jumping in front of my camera and waving his hands around to block my shot. When I ignored him, he didn't seem to like it, he came up to me and started saying something about how I should be dancing and how he like to enjoy the moment and not remember it (or something like that, there was a band playing). I still ignored him and again he got in my face saying "put your camera in your pocket and dance". At that point I finally said something. I basically asked him if he was offended that I was taking pictures. He said yes. I was basically said, what I do is take pictures and what you do is dance, so piss off.

That still wasn't the end of it. Later I was on the other side of the stage (yes, the Taphouse has a small stage). He saw me there taking pictures with one hand and a beer in the other. He crashed right into me to make me spill my beer all over my camera. For the first time in forever I almost attacked him, but instead I cleaned off my camera and took more photos. Including this one, which was after the beer incident.

Of course, I will remember the show and I actually was able to get some decent shots despite the idiot.

And like always American Relay killed it.

Moving Pictures

2008-02-07T23:09:00.000-07:00

Going to the video store lately has begun to present a challenge. It seems I've watched most of the movies that were high on my to watch list. I'm now to the point where I'll grab something I've never heard about or have heard questionable review. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. For instance, foreign films are hit or miss for me. A few that I've rented are completely awesome and I recommend them to other people, some are just awful and some I just get done watching it and thinking to myself "what did I just watch?".

For instance, tonight I watched this movie called Immortal which was based on a French comic book (that I'd never heard of). Visually the movie was awesome but I'm not sure if I really know what happened as far as the plot is concerned. If you want some eye-candy I'd say watch it. Perhaps something was lost in the translation. But it wasn't a stinker.

I have a hard time remembering what happened in a movie to begin with. Throw in a lot of slow moving and intricate plots and I just loose interest. Most of the time. Sometime it just takes a few times to get through and into a movie. It took me three times to final make it through Apocalypse Now. Not that it's bad or boring, but it moves really slow until the beach is stormed (I realize some people will debate this, oh well). Same thing with Blade Runner, which I think is one of the greatest movies ever make. But man does it move slow.

Anyway, I don't really know where I'm going with this. Somewhat related I think, is the fact that I don't remember moments in my life as sequences. I usually remember what I would call a snapshot of a memory. It seems that other people have memories more like a scene from a movie. I don't really. Some are like that but a majority are more like a photo.

Maybe that's why I take pictures. I wonder if I make movies if I'll start remembering events like movies.

Little happy pills

2008-02-05T23:22:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here listening to Elliott Smith's Figure 8 album and to tell the truth it makes me a bit sad. Sad because the songs themselves are sad and sad that he wasn't able to stay around and make some more albums. Unfortunately, when he was alive I didn't really know who he was. And I didn't really start listening to him until last year. I guess I sort of missed out but I'm glad to get to hear what he left behind.

Why are people who are so creative so tortured inside? Once someone said to me that great art comes from conflict and struggle. At the time I didn't agree with that statement but I'm starting to see the wisdom in it. I missed the part where that conflict can come from inside.

Which leads me to something else I've been thinking about lately. For the last nine months or so I've been on an antidepressant. I want to stop taking them. Now may not be the greatest time to do it but I don't want to be tied to them anymore. I can't remember what my emotional state was before being on it but I'm not sure if I like how I feel on it now. And I think it's contributing to some weight gain as well. Sometimes I think I was better off when I still smoked (not really). Part of me thinks that if I were to get off of them that more creative side I used to have would come out.

The flipside is that my anxieties and depressions would probably be heightened at least in the short term. And I'm not so sure that is worth it. Although I still have that horrible social anxiety whether I'm on them or not.

I still have a months worth, so I guess I don't have to make the decision just yet. I just don't think I want to be tied to these little pills for the rest of my life.

Out of the box turtle

2008-02-04T23:20:00.000-07:00

There was a time not that many years ago where I could walk up to just about anyone and start a conversation. At some point that changed and I became shy again. I'm not sure what happened or exactly when it did. It happened sometime when I moved to Colorado. I was talking to one of my friends last night and he said I was a social person. That is not the way I see myself, but so few of see ourselves for what we really are.

Of course, some of my isolationist tendencies are self-imposed. And now they've become so ingrained that they've first nature. I still have a hard time being the initiator of a conversations and especially with members of the opposite sex (and right now I'm torn between bitter to that gender or really wanting attention from that gender). Once I get started, I seem to do ok. It's just a matter of that initial push that I haven't got the hang of. I think in sales they call it the hook. Which seems sort of sad to me, but it does seem to work for a lot of people.

On a wholly unrelated note, my humble opinion is that "King of Carrot Flowers part 1" and "King of Carrot Flower parts 2&3" is one of the greatest rock songs that never hit the airwaves (well other than Indie Pop Rocks on Soma FM), which was recorded by Neutral Milk Hotel. They put out at least two albums and then just stopped. Thankfully we still had Elf Power.

Out and about or something

2008-02-03T22:08:00.000-07:00

At the beginning of the weekend I ended up at a couple of art events with a couple friends of mine. The first being a black and white photography show that was pretty cool, perhaps a bit traditional but cool nonetheless. There was one print in particular that was for sale but not on display that was pretty much amazing. The second was a gallery opening, and there was a bunch of different stuff there, some of which was influenced by graffiti, and one series that was influenced by the Star Wars mythos and some other sci-fi concepts.

Going to stuff like that always makes me want to start playing with my camera more than I have been. Or paint something, not that I can paint or draw (manual dexterity was never my strong point). I did get out and take few photos but nothing spectacular.

The same night I finally went to some bars in downtown Colorado Springs, some of which were actually pretty cool. Now I'm ready for the weather to warm up so I can start riding my bicycle to go out on the nights I can go out. I even got a phone number but I don't think it really counts (I already knew her from work, but we'd never spoke socially).

So I guess in a way this was kind of the first time I've really broken out of my shell here in this town. And even though I don't particularly like this town, I have to admit I had fun and there are some cool people here.

Noises

2008-01-30T23:35:00.000-07:00

In addition to the albums I wrote about the other day, I've been going through a big noise phase again. This time I've been going back as far as Sun Ra. Listening to what little amount of his stuff, I hear his influence in alot of the noise music I've picked up over the years. Not that surprisingly, I hear a lot references to Sun Ra in the music of Sonic Youth. Admittedly, since it's jazz the influence is subtle but very present.

In a way, I wonder if going through a noise phase as anything to do with my current mental state. The world around me seems pretty chaotic and perhaps listening to noise allows me to exert some control over my surroundings. Or maybe it just helps me make sense of the chaos around me. Of course it could mean nothing and I just really like discordant music (which may be closer to the truth).

Of course, the world around me will probably stay chaotic. From what I can see, throughout our lives there are very few things that are static. That's probably the way things are supposed to be. I can live with that.

Placing

2008-01-28T22:59:00.000-07:00

About fifteen minutes ago I looked out the window and it was snowing horizontally, I just now looked out and there is noting falling from the sky. Such is the weather here in Colorado. Even though I'm not playing in it like I used to, I still like the snow. You will rarely if ever hear me actually complaining about the snow. The other people on the road, or when the road aren't really snowy but icy instead, you will hear me bitch about those things.

There's a big chunk of me that wishes I'd have never left Steamboat (especially with the snow they are getting this year). Something tells me that if I had stayed, I wouldn't be as stressed out like I am now. Of course, if I had stayed I'd have all of the old issues that I had when I was there (like being bored). But I have/had close friends there, and even though I didn't always think I belonged there I had my place in that town. And all in all it was a good place.

Perhaps what I'm getting at is that idea of a sense of place that people who are smarter than me talk about. I don't feel like I have one here, I have work but that not really a place. That's where I spend my time, of course that where I know people from (that and the bartender from the place down the road (I go there because I can walk there)). Or maybe it's that I'm just now starting to develop one here in Colorado Springs. Perhaps when I find a spot that I just really have to take a picture of then I will have found my sense of place in Colorado Springs. That or some people I want to take snapshots of.

Slow reaction

2008-01-27T01:49:00.000-07:00

My computer is so old that it doesn't handle Java of Flash very well. This presents a problem when I try to type anything in on Blogger. there is a several second delay from what I've typed to when it appears on the screen. And it sort of drives me nuts. Watching that lag that is.

Lag has always driven me crazy when it comes to using computers. I remember back in the day of playing MUD and just getting frustrated when my character would get killed off due to lag. I guess the new word for it is latency, but I'm not an online gamer so I don't really have to worry about it anymore.

Anyway, it's really not that important but it still drives me bat shit.

It's strange to finally come to the conclusion that I'm at the age now where my peers are at the point of starting all over again sometimes. And I seem to wonder if I've ever started. although this current situation is close enough to a divorce that I don't ever want to go through one. I know enough people who are my age who are either on their second marriage or have or just now got out of their firs. Scary. and yet it's inevitable that at this point it would be common.

I'm still amazed at this growing up process I guess. I was able to delay quite a bit of it all of those years in Steamboat (although I still did grow up, it was just different). And there are days when I just want to go back there because life was so much simpler. But I can't, I do need to move on. Even if I don't like the idea of it.

On the iPod

2008-01-24T23:08:00.000-07:00

Music I've been listening to:

Battles - Mirrored

Yeah, the best album of 2007 that I picked up in 2008. There's been moments where I've had to make myself stop listening to it. It's that good to me. I guess I heard them at Pitchfork and remember wanting to pick up some of their stuff. I have a hard time describing it. Battles have several rhythms going at once, there's vocal but not in any real language. Like I said, hard to describe.

Beirut - The Flying Club Cup and Lon Gisland EP

It's folky, it's pretty. Old world influences, hints of jazz and sprinkles of indie vocals abound in both of these recordings. Strings and trumpets play off each other. It sort of takes me somewhere I probably need to be. The singer has a voice that is like another instrument. It's good mellow night music (I mean that in a good way)

Hella - Chirpin Hard/Church Gone Wild

Ow, my freaking ears! Unlistenable in the best way possible. Noise and discordant beats. Just the way I like it.

Rob Crow - Living Well

For a guy that looks as burly as he does on the album cover, he can write a nice melodic pop song. Half of Pinback, apparently the pop half. I find myself popping this in on a long drive and not noticing the next hour go by.

And there's a bunch of other stuff I still haven't really listened too. Sheesh

Anxiously trying to sleep

2008-01-22T22:52:00.000-07:00

There is this moment when I wake up in the morning that I don't remember the reality of my situation. After about the equivalent of a cup of coffee, reality peeks through and the anxiety starts kicking in.

Last weekend I went up to Steamboat and finally got a decent nights sleep. And I didn't get that anxious feeling after waking up. In fact I didn't get it until I got in the car to drive back to Colorado Springs. I've been taking medication for a while and I thought it was supposed to reduce my anxiety. So for now I'll just try to remember to breathe.

Sorry to be such a downer.

But over the weekend I really rode Howelsen Hill for the first time ever. It was a blast.

rising slowly rising

2008-01-21T23:22:00.000-07:00

There's been a few times in the last few months were I meant to get something down here but for whatever reason I'd stop myself. It's probably fairly common knowledge that I'm going through another rough patch in my life. Without going into to many details, Phrank and I broke up over something fairly stupid and this was it. No more.

So that's that. The process seems to be what a divorce could feel like to me. Maybe I'm wrong but part of me wants that paper from a judge that says it a decree of dissolution.

I'm at that point of trying to figure out what to do. If I have to carry out the lease then that is what I'll do. Oh well. I can stand staying in this town for one more summer. Maybe start making friends right before I leave.

Anyone who knows any relatively sane women in their thirties (or near thirties) in Colorado Springs, let me know.

That one call

2007-10-05T02:58:00.000-06:00

At some point during the second to last call of the evening I was reminded that the people I talk to are in fact human. And that I am as well. The caller was a woman whose son had just been put in jail (what for I don't know and it's no concern of mine) and needed to figure out how her son could get in contact with her. This is a fairly common question and I've got the info bookmarked.

However, this poor woman really just needed someone talk to I think. Halfway through the call she started crying and for once this person on the other end was someone I just wanted to reach through the phone and hug. She wasn't crying to get something, she wasn't crying because her call forwarding wasn't working, she was crying because her son was in jail and she was scared and alone. And for once I think I handled it ok. I told her that I'd give her a tissue if I were there and to take her time when she apologized for crying and that I'm a voice and an ear right now

Tonight when I ended that call I said something I rarely say to a customer. I told this lady to take care of herself and to be strong. And you know, she thanked me for my kind words. Perhaps appropriately, those are the kinds of calls I remember.

I hope both she and her son make it through this.

Night shots

2007-09-28T02:13:00.001-06:00

finger rock
Originally uploaded by surly monkey

The living room is pretty much empty, I'm typing this out with my computer one a tomato box that is serving as the coffee table. Across the room is a frame print of this photo leaning against the cabinet the guinea pig cage is on. Hopefully, we'll have everything out of here tomorrow and can clean the next day.

I've spent a fair part of the evening looking at this photo. It's perhaps one of my favorites so far. This one was taken back in 2004, when I first started playing around with taking night shots. There were a few tries before I got this one and I had to wait for a car to come by to catch it. This particular car turned out to be a state trooper who turned around to make sure I wasn't a dead body on the side of the road.

There is something about taking photos at night that I seem to enjoy. I haven't done it in a while and I'm probably due to get out one night and get some night shots of this city. Truthfully I haven't taken a lot of photos here in the city. Of course another advantage to the new apartment is there is an awesome view to get some shots taken. Perhaps some night I'll catch the moon over Cheyenne Mountain.

Keep your phone

2007-09-27T01:51:00.000-06:00

I've come to the conclusion that I feel bad for the customers of the company I work for. Or at least most of the ones I deal with, especially the ones that have phone service with us. People who have switched to our phone service have lost the phone number they've had for years, gone without phone service for weeks on end and lost features that they had with the old land line companies. Put it this way, if one needs a reliable hassle free land line phone, then one should stick with an actual land line company. If the home phone is just there for convience then digital phone is for you.

Of course, I'm sure it's not just the company I work for. I would guess that the other cable companies that are beginning to offer voice services are experiencing the same kind of issues. And only a small percentage of our customers do call in and I only talk to a small percentage of those callers.

Nonetheless, the crap we have to put some of these people through bothers me. I try as hard as I can to make it easier on them by getting the service back on as quickly as possible and guiding them how to properly navigate if they want to cancel with us.

Not that long ago I was enjoying my job but I'm getting back to the point where it's just tedious and once again I feel ineffectual. At some point it will get better or so I hope.

Sorry to bitch to much, but I really do feel bad for some of these people. And sometimes I think they can tell.

Brand old heavies

2007-09-26T02:37:00.000-06:00

Sunday night I saw the Melvins for the first time. Until Sunday night I think the loudest band I'd ever seen was (believe it or not) Midnight Oil back in the early nineties. Currently the Melvins tour with Big Business, the core members of Big Business also serve as the Melvins bass player and second drummer. When you first look at the drum kits it looks like they've been fused together, with certain parts shared by both drummers. The mirror image effect is fairly apparent when watching the two drummers.

Big Business set was a nice somewhat brutal way to start the night off. Originally consisting of drummer Coady Willis and bassist Jared Warren, they seem to have added a guitar/noisemaker who I have no idea what his name is. He definitely helps round them out as far as guitar and added to the chaotic music that is Big Business. For a band that rocks so hard, they have a rather subdued presence on state, such as the guitar playing just staring off to the ceiling has he was playing these awesome riffs. Towards the end of the set Dale Crover (drummer for the Melvins) came out and played guitar with them for the last few songs.

Then then the Melvins came on. I'd say they stormed the stage but they sort of just ambled up to their spots and just started playing the first song. They pretty much didn't say anything and played a blistering set straight through to the end. I don't know what Buzz Osborne or Dale Crover's speaking voice sound like at all after seeing that show. Buzz came out wearing a camouflage robe and Jared nice floral print dress. Here again was another example of a band that freaking kills it and yet manages to stay pretty mellow when performing. They seemed to just get up there and play the set. The mirrored drum playing was just intense, those two drummers have some awe inspiring senses of timing. To stand there ant watch them play the twin set was just amazing, I really don't have many works for it.

It really was an awesome show. I was already a fan of both bands but after seeing the two together for the first time, I'm pretty much blown away. I will be going to see them again the next time they swing through.

Stuff, Boxes and Books

2007-09-23T03:04:00.000-06:00

Currently the living room is filled with boxes and random pieces of furniture. The move is going to be next weekend so the staging has begun. Personally, I hate the actual act of moving. Carrying furniture is a pain and packing everything into boxes annoys me. Not that I've done much with the boxes other than find them. Much of my stuff is still in a boxes, with the exception of my clothes. Most of my possessions consists of books and music (in the form of CD and vinyl), and Phrank has boxed most of that stuff up.

Having said that, I do like getting into a new place even if this new one is pretty similar to the current one. The big differences are it comes with a fireplace, bigger living room and a balcony that is twice as big as the current one. And the biggest selling point for me is no more having to look at and hear the parking lot right outside. Our new view looks down on the courtyard and out towards NORAD/Cheyenne Mountain. Perhaps my chances of seeing UFOs will increase.

Phrank has been quite industrious this last week with painting furniture, sewing slip covers for both people and kitty furniture and making an awesome stereo table. So far the stereo table is the coolest in my opinion. And I've got a lot more records to score to fill out that thing, yeah the LPs fit under the table. Independent Records has this double LP by the Apples in Stereo that I've been eyeballing. I'll probably break down and buy it soon enough. Inevitably, I'm going to have to learn how to rip my records into some digital format. I know I need a certain kind of cable.

Wow, maybe I've stumbled onto a possible hobby. I've been trying to find one.

Snapping

2007-09-20T02:38:00.000-06:00

For the first time in a work environment, I saw and heard someone completely lose it today. Shortly before I was supposed to log in to the phones there was a brief power outage that shut down all of the computers, lights and perhaps the phones. When the lights came back on we heard a lady from the next row start yelling "I can't take it anymore!" At first it sounded like she was kidding but we all quickly realized that she wasn't. This woman genuinely had a freak out. If she would have said something about going to strangle someone I think she would have been just sent to take a walk. Of course having said something like that she got pulled into a managers office and I think sent home early.

Coincidentally, there was a regional analyst on site today who was standing around us when this happened. I can understand where this lady is coming from (although I doubt if I'd snap like that, I'd probably tell my supe "I'm leaving for a bit, if you need to fire me then do so") and told the analyst as such.

It was probably good for him to see that even though it was sort of pathetic and ugly at the same time. We are under quite a bit of pressure and quite a few of us feel that the managers and higher up really have no inkling of that.

What would be awesome is if it caused marketing to slow down some of their pushing new sales and focus on the customers we already have.

I feel safe enough to go to work tomorrow, I doubt if she's going to show up with a shotgun or anything like that. And I do know that if I see some coming in with a firearm, I'm hitting the deck caller or no caller and getting the hell out. Getting shot at work is not the way I want to die. And I still have finger puppets to make.

Finger puppets

2007-09-19T02:04:00.000-06:00

Work has become ridiculously busy again. The kind of busy like it was back when I started, people on hold for close to an hour and no end in sight. The shift I'm on is the first eight hour/five day a week shift I've had since I hit the floor here. Which means I now have two days off instead of three. Not having to be there for three days was quite nice and I think the busier it gets the more I'll miss having that extra day.

There is now a new team and due to the doubled call volume I don't even know the names of some of my team members. The guy that sits across from me is affable enough but he pretty much just talks about work. I don't always want to be reminded where I'm at when I'm sitting there. That's why I sit there and play with my phone and take stupid videos of my fingers (although when I watched it the first time, I started laughing in the middle of a call). I think I may make some finger puppets or something for work.

To put it mildly, between the new schedule and the dramatic increase in call volume, I have been really exhausted lately. Hence no entries. It was all I could do to not stay in bed my entire days off this weekend (or yes the couch). I didn't even have it in me to go skate.

And on that note, I'm going to bed

Around the corner

2007-09-14T02:30:00.000-06:00

Sometime last weekend fall started making it's presence known. The temperature took a big dip for a couple of days, there was a cloud cover that just looked like fall and the smell of snow lightly tinged the air. The leaves haven't begun to change yet, although today I noticed that the green in some of the trees was starting to dull. Fall is going to be here before I know it and that means winter shortly after.

Fall has always been my favorite season, after the heat of summer the coolness is a welcome relief before the bitter cold of winter (I've never lived anywhere with a truly mild winter). Plus, growing up back east the colors were just spectacular. Colorado Springs does have some trees that aren't willows and aspens for a splash of non-indigenous colors outside of the yellow portion of the spectrum.

My hope is that I can get myself outside enough to enjoy the fall this year, and get some decent pictures. I don't exactly remember but I think I didn't really get out last fall.

Crumbling on U.S. 50

2007-09-06T23:36:00.001-06:00

Sign outside abandoned building
Originally uploaded by surly monkey

There is something about abandoned buildings that catches my attention. It's hard to say what it is about the relics that attracts me. I suspect part of it is growing up in Indianapolis and seeing the decaying remains of the Rust Belt. There was this abandoned factory on the downtown side of the Kentucky Ave. bridge that I was alway curious about. One of the last times I was in Indy, I could barely find the bridge and that factory was long gone. There probably aren't that many abandoned buildings left in Indy anymore, with all of the revitalization that city has experienced since I left.

Some of this could have come from living in Muncie as well. That city was smack dab in the middle of the manufacturing decline in the U.S. Once one got away from campus and the residential neighborhoods, it'd be hard to throw a rock without hitting an abandoned factory.

It seems to me that these crumbling buildings have stories of their own. Stories about the people who built and work inside them. And in a way the ghosts of those people still inhabit these crumbling structures. Not in a "ooohhh a scary ghost" way but in the way the energy that people expended inside places like this still lingers in those bricks. There is a sense for me that our history is in buildings as well. It strikes me that at one time (not that long ago) factories were very much American cathedrals. They were at least built as lofty at times.

All I know is that when I see an abandoned and crumbling building, I want to remember it or at least take a photo of it.

Work stuff

2007-09-05T01:41:00.000-06:00

Strangely the day I was going to turn in my resignation notice, I got two unexpected strokes. I had my mini performance review and I got an "outstanding" on it, which I was stoked on, the next one counts toward a raise. And later that day I was informed that I had been selected as employee of the month. I have know idea what criteria was used to select that and I'm already getting crap from some people about it. Of course, that was to be expected. the only real plus so far for employee of the month is a prime parking spot (I just open no one messes with the Surly Mayfly).

Like I said in an earlier post, even though this may be a crappy job, I sort of like it. Mostly because I feel like I'm pretty good at it and there can be a sense of accomplishment after getting someone back online. Fleeting as it may seem.

I still hope for the day when I can find work that requires no contact with customers at all. But I realize that those jobs can be hard to find in this day an age. But one can dream, can't they?

Of course I pick a schedule that isn't the greatest because I thought I'd only be there for a week of the new schedule. Hopefully this new schedule doesn't last almost six months like the last one did.

Plans were meant to be broken

2007-09-01T23:58:00.000-06:00

Turns out I'm staying in Colorado Springs for the time being. Phrank and I came to a decision to try again the morning I was going to put in my notice. Talk about cutting it close. I'm happy with this change of plans. That's not to say I wasn't looking forward to moving back to Indiana. I was. But I want to see if we can't make this work (and there's always the possibility we could move there together).

Both of us have things that we each need to deal with to make this work. My own part is that I don't open up and I stand up for myself. I'm getting some help with that and I think lately I've been better at it. And I'm kind of boring when it comes to wanting to leave the house.

We also put in to get a different apartment, which among other things has a much better view (that doesn't include being directly above the parking lot), a fireplace and a much bigger living room. Phrank had sold the king bed while I was in Steamboat last weekend so today she bought a queen. I think a new place and a new bed might help with this whole starting over thing.

So it's kind of like we're starting a whole new chapter here. And I'm happy about that.

What I saw Tuesday morning

2007-08-29T01:53:00.001-06:00

What I saw Tuesday morning
Originally uploaded by surly monkey

So my deskmate has decided to attempt to lightly prank me until the shift change in honor of my leaving.

The truth is it's pretty funny. Monday I came into work and my screen was covered with post-it notes with some bizarre smiley face drawn on them. Today I can in to a completely clean desk (and I have a messy desk, with papers strewn everywhere) and the screen protector pictured. And I have this sinking feeling I'm going to show up to work tomorrow to find my desk covered in some kind of tent-like structure.

As much as I dislike my job, I actually do kind of enjoy it. Or at least the people I work with. Currently, I'm on a really good team. When it is slow enough to actually speak to one another we all get along really well. And there is a lot of joking around and flipping of the bird. Now if we didn't have those pesky customers to deal with.

I may have mentioned this before but for as crappy as my job is, I'm actually good at it. And I do get a sense of satisfaction when I do get someone back online or get their phone working. As cheap of thrill that may be. I like the troubleshooting aspects of the job, the part I really don't like is how were supposed to hold the hand of the customers and having to apologize on every call.

It gotten to the point that I'm thinking I'm going to consider looking for the same type of work when I get to Indiana (yes, I'm sticking with my plan). Although hopefully without the digital phone. That's just a pain in the ass. I might even start naming names when I finally quit.

King of carrot flowers

2007-08-28T01:29:00.000-06:00

It must be pretty easy to throw me for a loop, because I keep getting thrown for one. Right before I got on the phones today, I got a call that had me thinking all day about whether or not to change my plans. And now I'm not exactly sure where I'm at now and what is the best for me. And at this point doing what is best for me has to be the most important thing. For too long I've neglected to take care of myself and it's high time to start.

What the best for me is hard for me to figure out sometimes. I'm just not used to thinking about it. the flipside of this is I probably come across of not caring about other people so much. There is probably a correlation here. One of those take care of yourself first then care for others kind of things or something. I do know that my first impulse is not always the best thing for me, which is why I find myself biting my tongue quite a bit.

I find myself torn between a fantasy of what could be and what is more likely the truth (whatever that it is (stupid postmodern world)). Of course, nobody but Nostradamus can predict the future (and he's been dead for a while). So I can't really say what would happen in the future. And that brings it all back to making these decisions based on what I think and feel is best for me. So that's what I've got to do.

Back in the 2nd home again

2007-08-26T02:15:00.000-06:00

Tonight I'm in Steamboat and somewhat wondering what drove my decision not to come back here. But I know exactly why. As much as I loved it here, I know that if I were to come back I would just stagnate like I was when I was here. The truth is, while I was here I was stuck in my twenties, even though I am well into my thirties (and slightly approaching forty). I'm ready to move on from that.

There are a lot of aspects that I'm going to miss about this place. I have some deep roots here that I could return to if I wanted. But it is time to move on. And I already miss the views. I'd almost forgotten just how awesome they really were.

The good news is that someday I'll be able to come back here for a vacation once in a while. And there will always be someone here who has a couch that I can crash on.

Closer

2007-08-21T01:53:00.000-06:00

The last couple of weekends have been spent traveling around trying to get my goodbyes in. I'm starting to get this sinking feeling that I'm not going to get everyone in that I want to.

I guess that's probably the way it works. You always miss someone. Goodbyes aren't my strong suit to begin with. and this time around I don't know if I'll be seeing some of these people ever again.

Although I was able to pull the surprise show for the Plagarists show last weekend. And they were surprised, thankfully everyone kept the secret.

It's all starting to become real, that I am in fact leaving Colorado. The stack of boxes in my room is further proof if this.

The funny thing is, right now my coworkers are jealous that I'm quitting, even though I'll be unemployed. Geez, I think that place is starting to suck even more (I didn't even really notice).

Looking back

2007-08-16T01:36:00.000-06:00

As the time for me to head back to Indiana draws nearer, I find myself thinking about and attempting to reconnect with my past. Part of this is just the act of going around the state and trying to find those who have had an impact or otherwise played a part in getting me to this point in my life. I also have found myself contact those in Indiana (and elsewhere) that I've been out of touch with. Partially for selfish reasons, so I can have more people to hang out with when I get there. But there is another part and that is I may owe some of these people an apology. Mostly for just dropping out of sight and contact for however long it's been.

I'm not sure if I need to apologize for something like that but I do feel a twinge of guilt when I think about having just kind of disappeared all of those years ago.

There are also those that I delibertaly cut off contact with for whatever reasons sounded good to me at the time. Those are the ones I probably really do owe some kind of contrition too. I"m not sure what form it should take or if I even really need to do so after all of this time.

The only thing I know is that I can't change the past no matter how much I may want to. The only thing I can do is try to do the right thing in the now. I try not to worry so much about the past because of this but it's hard not to do sometimes.

I don't even know if I have regrets, and I don't know if even if I cuold if I would change anything about the past. It did make me what I am today after all.

Skunks (again I'm sure)

2007-08-14T01:23:00.000-06:00

Sitting here with the screen door wide open I can smell the skunk that's been hanging around here for the couple of weeks. Something is setting off this critter almost every night (of course I'm not sure if it's the same one, it smells like the same one). My guess it would be a dog that sets the skunk off. Thankfully, where ever he sprayed wasn't that close to here but I feel sorry for the schmuck who owns that yard where he did spray.

There was a time when I had this thing for skunks. As in I was reading up about keeping skunks as pets and the like. I actually think they are fascinating creatures and oh so curious.

I've never been able to get a picture of one and honestly I'm a bit leery to do so. It seems the only time I see them are at night and I have this suspicion that the flash might just get me sprayed. I really don't want that to happen.

When I lived in the trailer park, in the summer I'd go outside to smoke and every night at about the same time there was a skunk that would makes his rounds from trailer to trailer and trash can to trash can. I really enjoyed watching that guy. The funny thing is, he would check me out every night and I'd alway just say hi to him. After that he'd move on and go about his business.

I'm not even sure if there are skunks in Indiana.

Geekery

2007-08-10T01:25:00.000-06:00

Sometimes when there is time between calls at work I find myself clicking through digg, Which is a cross between a social networking and group bookmarking site. What happens is that I sometimes run across really cool stuff like Human Brain Cloud which is a multi-player free associations "game". It can be slightly addicting. Basically, it gives you a word or phrase and you type what comes to your mind first.

There's a part of me that misses when the Internet was new and exciting. Believe it or not there was a time when you could use the Internet with on web browser. I still remember when I figured out how I could email people outside of the Ball State Nodes (mostly to my brother down at IU). That was cool. Not to say I don't like what the Internet has become, that I can store as many photos as I want at Flickr is pretty freaking awesome. Or that Gmail has pretty much unlimited storage. That's cool as well. But there was a sense back in the day of a secret knowledge if you will. No you have to program to get that.

I think I just established that I'm a geek (actually I took a"How geek are you" quiz today and I got 61%). But whatever, someday it'll come in handy. You watch.

The view

2007-08-09T01:45:00.000-06:00

This weekend will hopefully be the start of my going around this state and getting my goodbyes out. And hit the skate parks I've enjoyed over the years.

As much as I'm over Colorado, I will miss this state quite a bit. I don't think the scenery can really be beat here, and Indiana sure doesn't have quite the vistas and starkness that Colorado can have. When I first got here, it blew me away just how insignificant these mountains here can make one feel. I'd spent part of my summers as a kid in the mountains of Pennsylvania but that never prepared me for what I saw when I first got here. I still remember the first time I got a glimpse of the Rockie Mountains, I was on the Greyhound outside of Limon (I now think it was Pike's Peak that I saw, perhaps Long's). It was off in the distance but still amazing.

Indiana doesn't have those overwhelming views of natural scenery. Not to say there isn't natural beauty there. I've seen places in Indiana that are as beautiful and peaceful as Colorado. Just not on as immense of scale.

My point here? I don't know if I really have one. Other than I don't regret having spent a large chunk of my life so far here. And I'm not ruling coming back to Colorado but I doubt it will be a town that ends in Springs.

It's the end

2007-08-08T00:54:00.000-06:00

About a week ago I had my first session with a psychologist. Even before these recent turn of events I was considering starting to see one. If it's not been obvious over the last few years, I suffer from depression. Up until I got back from vacation I thought I had it under control with medication but I wanted to get some other stuff going on in my head taken care of.

As with any health practitioner, the first meeting is mostly working up a profile. Questions about medical history and mental health history. What surprised me (and shouldn't have) were all the questions about suicide. The thing about that is, I'm not sure if I think about killing myself that much. Most of my thoughts of suicide are not thoughts of doing it but disembodied voices in my head saying "he killed himself". It's been years since I've even remotely considered killing myself (and my firearm is staying in the box it's packed away in). but that other line goes through my head quite a bit when I'm in a heightened emotional state like I am currently. I'm not sure I really get it.

There were some other interesting things the shrink said I might consider looking at inside myself. Such has the fact that there does seem to be a pattern to the women I tend to get involved with. He's not the first person to mention that either.

I'm just bummed that I'm only going to be able to get a few sessions in before I leave for Indiana and my health insurance ends.

Confusion

2007-08-04T02:49:00.000-06:00

One of the things I've never figured out in life is to when to bite my tongue or not. I usually default to biting my tongue when when doubt. Lately, I've been doing a lot of tongue biting. And my tongue is really starting to hurt.

This situation that I'm in right now is one of those times where I can't decide whether spewing forth all the pent up anger and frustration at the person I'm feeling it toward id even worth bothering. What goes through my mind is this something I'm going to regret more for saying what's really on my mind or am I going to regret the fact that I said it? And I sure as hell can't answer that question right now.

The big question, are these feelings of anger and frustration even really directed at this other person or am I just pissed about my own inadequacies?

I'm not sure if my head is even screwed on straight these days. I'm told that I am the only person that can let people affect (or is it effect, I always get those two confused) the way I feel. I'm not sure if I buy that anymore. It kind of seems like a cop out for people to be crappy to other people.

Like I have any answers at this point in my life.

Live long and prosper.

Blah

2007-08-02T01:23:00.001-06:00

Abandoned House, Trinadad CO
Originally uploaded by surly monkey

I hate it when I obsess about stuff I really have no control over. For the last two weeks, I've felt like I have little say or control in what's happening around me. I came back from a vacation in Indiana and my life turned upside down the night I got back. The simple non-detailed explanation is that the wedding is off and I'm moving back to Indiana alone. There is quite a bit more to it but that's it for now.

I'm left with a lot of anger that I don't exactly know how to channel. There's a host of other feelings, such as betrayal and loss.

I've accepted the situation for what it is. That doesn't mean I have to deny feeling like crap about what has happened and I have a right to what feelings I'm experiencing right now.

Someday maybe I can get the lessons I'm supposed to learn from this. Right now I've got no idea what I'm supposed to be learning from this. Other than starting over once again. At least this time I'll be around my family and some friends I've had for years.

Long time

2007-07-29T00:26:00.000-06:00

Oh poor neglected blog, how you've waited patiently for me to type something into your text field. And what do I do? Go off and ignore you for at least three months. and yet every night there you are in my bookmark toolbar just waiting for me to click on you. You never deserved this, did you poor little blog?

I'm in one of those weird situations where I really want to write about what is going on with me but I'm not sure just how public I want to make things just yet. So I'll go with being as vague as possible.

I'm moving back to Indiana sometime in September. I don't have an exact date yet but the lease here is up on Sept. 30 and I'm leaving sometime before that date. For the time being, let's just say I've given up on Colorado. It's time to go back.
Which means it time for me to go around Colorado and say my farewells to all of those I've known for the last 13 years or so, at least the ones I can track down. Thankfully most of them are still in the same town.

No promises but I may be here a bit more often than I have been.

Oh yeah, those sunflowers are from the Ludlow Massacre site.

So it goes

2007-04-12T01:28:00.000-06:00

R.I.P. Kurt Vonnegut.

I enjoyed your bitter coated sugar pills.

Thank you.

400 and evolution

2007-04-04T01:22:00.000-06:00

According the the Blogger dashboard, this is post number 400. I don't really know if there is any real relevance to this but I just thought I'd mention it, if I were a real blogger I'd probably direct you to my Amazon wish list and say "buy me something". I'm not a real blogger.

This is an interesting map. It's a map of the where and to what degree evolution (as far as state standards) is being taught in the U.S. What I don't get is how in the hell my home state of Indiana is at the top of the heap when it comes to teaching evolution? Although I will admit that it seems I managed to get a pretty decent education out of my K-12 system back in Indiana. Of course, by this point in my life it's hard to remember what I learned then and what I've learned since then. I do distinctly remember learning about Eugene V. Debs in High School, and realizing after graduating that very few others knew about him. How the hell I even remember the name to this day is beyond me.

What strikes me as odd is that Indiana as a fairly well deserved reputation as a conservative state but unlike other fully conservative states, Indiana has these strange quirks. Like the evolution thing and that Hoosiers often tend to elect Democratic governors. Due to the industrialization of the north and central portions of the state there are also long, proud labor union traditions. Not mention that Indianapolis spat out Kurt Vonnegut who is the furthest thing from conservative.

Actually, when I think about it Colorado seems to have similar quirky tendencies. Maybe it's just that whole can't judge a book by it's cover thing.

Oh well.

My gimpy leg

2007-03-29T01:03:00.000-06:00

For the first time in years I went to the doctor due to an injury. As I mentioned a few post back I fell trying to skate that ditch I cleaned out. It's still hurting and the pain hasn't seemed to lessen. So I made an appointment to get it checked out. Now I have to get an MRI (I've never had one of those, heck I don't even know if I've ever had x-rays other than the dentist) but the early diagnosis is that I've torn my meniscus. Joy. The good new is that the ankle portion of the injury is healing nicely and is little more than a pull and bruising.

Of course, I managed to secure extra time off this week but I'm hesitant to go skate in the condition I'm in. Although, if I pop enough ibuprofen and wear a my knee brace, I imagine I'll be OK. The doc did say as long as I didn't try to do a bunch of crazy stuff there's no reason not to skate, well unless it seems to cause more pain actually.

So I think I'm going to take a little drive down to Canon City. It near the Royal Gorge and I've never been there. And there is a skate park there that looks like it could be fun. Plus there should be some good picture taking opportunities.

No matter what I'm just glad not to have to go to work for five days.

Spike'll getcha

2007-03-27T01:47:00.000-06:00

For whatever reason that picture of Spike cracks me up. I called it "Spike in a box" over at Flickr. I think part of it is because she seems to have the temperament that she would just jump out of that box and get you if she wanted (although I'm beginning to think that some of that is just an act). Of all the cats she has the raspiest voice. She is also the most demanding when it comes to accessing the bathroom and as she is a princess the toilet should be referred to as a throne in her presence.

I wasn't the biggest cat fan before I met Phrank. Don't get me wrong, I was never a cat hater but I was fairly apathetic to them. Dogs were my domestic animal of choice. But I can see the advantage of cats. And considering that one, if not more of ours act like dogs, I don't even really feel the urge to get a dog right now (that and we can't have them in this apartment complex).

Which isn't to say I wouldn't like a dog but dogs do require a level attention that cats don't. When I come home late at night from work, two of the boys whine until I pick them up. A dog on the other hand would require a walk and perhaps a treat or two just to calm them down. Walking a dog after getting off work is probably not the first thing I'd want to do.

So for now I'll stick to the cats. At least until we move and I make the mistake of walking into the shelter.

Oh yeah, French Toast.

Teh Kewl!!1!

2007-03-25T02:18:00.000-06:00

Somewhere in the back of my head I though about typing a whole post in l33t 5p34k but then I decided that the only people who would be able to read it were probably not going to find this little corner of the Internet. I'm sort of surprised that I can read l33t (well as long as it's true l33t and not that obscure l33t stuff), I guess it's mostly from lurking here on the Internet since before the days of AOL. I can only thank the BSU VAX/VMS cluster for that (scary to think that there are a few of you who remember that).

Enough geekery, I'm losing my kewl. What kewl you ask? Yeah, good question. Actually stuff like l33t fascinates me. Being able to witness a major shift in the way the world communicates as I've seen (and to a degree participated) in the last fifteen years or so has been pretty amazing. To watch this new forms of slang and idiom evolve out of the revolutionary changes in communication leaves me with a sense that I'm witness a major change in our evolution of a species (which I realize seems to be a bit of a bold statement but I think future history will back me up on that).

The fact that the letters we used to write that took days if not weeks to be delivered can be retrieved in a matter of moments many times is a big shift. That we can have instantaneous letter like communication through instant messaging software is also a big shift. I don't think we're at the point to know exactly how to use it wisely yet but it is here now and we might as well get used to it.

The wrap up to this is that when I use a typed slang like l33t, somewhere in the back of my mind I'm aware of this amazing shift that we as a species are going through. And in some twisted sense it give me comfort.

Special people

2007-03-24T01:35:00.000-06:00

Today was special person day on the phones. Most of the special people were of the "might be riding short bus with the square wheels that go round and round" variety. I may get a bruise on my forehead from too much head-to-desk action but I can deal with these special people (and I think fairly pleasantly (especially when I remember that most people haven't the foggiest when it comes to computers)). But there is a second kind of "special" caller that usually ends in frustration and sometimes a supervisor call for me. I don't have quite a catchy name for them but it has something to do with entitlement and the false premise that the customer is always right.

The company I work for is not an email company. We offer email as a complimentary product that you can choose to use when you sign up with us or as the case with most customers the company previous to us. No matter which company a customer originally had, it was laid out in the Terms of Service that email was for entertainment purposes only and explicitly not for business use (there is a good reason for this and it goes back to the fact that we are not an email provider). As we all know, no one ever reads the TOS (myself included) but it's in there.

Anyway there are a handful of customers that come through that seem to think that the email is more important than their connectivity. Of course these people are the ones who (according to them) their entire livelihood depends on their email address they maintain with us. If email was truly that important to their survival, one would think they would invest a small amount of money into a plan with an email provider instead of our rinky-dink email service that was really designed for grandma and grandpa to get email from the darling granddaughter (who may or may not be named Nikki). It's like asking for Coach leather seats in an Escort. And are these people special, as in their time is more precious that everyone else and they are "model customers that you don't want to loose my business". Here's the thing, in the how many ever years they've had high speed Internet with us, they've never had a problem with it. And they're not calling because they can't get online.

I offer this up: a quick scan of my contacts in my Gmail account list a whole two who use an Internet Service Provider email address (and one is AOL the other is Earthlink). In this day in age there is no reason to be dependent on an ISP provided email address.

Perhaps it's just me. Maybe it's because I've had my Yahoo! email address for over ten years at this point and I don't understand the reason people are beholden to an email address that can change for any number of reasons (moving, canceling or the company selling). I don't get it.

I also don't get why people can get so work up over something they weren't even aware of just a few years ago.

Although I wonder what would happen to me if I had to go more than a day or two without the Internet.

Sufjan Stevens almost made me cry

2007-03-21T02:24:00.000-06:00

So I'm sitting here on the floor in the living room and listening to Sufjan Stevens and I find it hard to write anything. Partly because I'm always at a loss of what to write about but mostly because I get lost in his music. Yeah, I know that his music is pretty much on the soft side and can easily be considered wussy music by some. I don't care. I've come to the conclusion that he's probably one of the most talented singer-songwriters and all around musicians creating music.

I know this much that when I listen to one of his albums, it moves me. Some times bordering on tears, other times what I can only describe as a feeling of joy. Beyond that the music has an intricacy resembling a spiderweb (and you can find yourself caught in it). The music doesn't rock but it has this quality to it that I can't put my finger on it.

Sufjan Stevens is from Michigan and there is a strong Midwest feel to his music. I can feel my Indiana roots when I hear his stuff. The fact that his two of his albums are about/entitled Illinois and Michigan is not lost on me as well. Not only that but there are reference to Christian symbols and stories scattered throughout his songs that leave yet another Midwestern feel to the music.

Watch this guy, he's going give us some nice gifts I think.

Go figure...

2007-03-18T23:50:00.000-06:00

Well, I did make it to that ditch I had spotted. This time I showed up with a push broom, five gallon bucket and a dustpan with the intention of cleaning it up. Apparently there was a lot more sand in the bottom than I really realized. That and it really doesn't take that much to pile up as I discovered today.

So I managed to clean up the part closest to the road back to the ramp, which you may not be able to tell by the photo but that's a good amount of territory. I go put the broom and stuff away and grab my skateboard because I want to try it out. So what happens when I drop in the first time? Yep, I fall. My front foot stays on the board and my back foot drags and I pull a muscle and twist my ankle a bit. I didn't even manage to get to the steep wall. The thing is I'm not even really that surprised at all. Not that I expected it to happen but it is pretty typical. Oh well, maybe someone will stumble upon it and enjoy it. And I'll probably go back and try to clean the rest of it. Although it's going to take a few trips. So if your driving down south Hancock in Colorado Springs keep you eye out for it.

Oops, I thought it was only a couple of weeks

2007-03-15T02:11:00.000-06:00

So I'm going for extended hiatus here. I just checked and it's been over two months since I've put anything up here. Dang. And to think I thought I'd start doing it more in 2007.

I really just haven't had the motivation to write anything here. It's not that there isn't anything happening, I'm just not into the whole recapping it thing. Perhaps it's because I deal with the Internet all day at work.

Speaking of work, I did get a promotion already to what's called Tier 3 tech support. It's a higher level of high speed Internet support and we do the digital phone troubleshooting (it's not VOIP). I'm also learning about the drawbacks of working for a large corporation as a opposed to a small or mom and pop type establishment. The flipside being the pay is really good and a great health insurance plan that allowed me to had Phrank (without going into detail, we had perfect timing getting on the plan). Another bonus is that I don't have to deal with video (or billing) calls if I don't want to. Those video calls are getting transferred out away from me. The only calls I get that escalate into supervisor calls are video calls (I actually had a lady demand a supervisor when I told her that it would cost her 29.95 to have a field tech come to her house and program her TV remote).

A month or so ago I got a new phone that has a camera, that's where the photo came from. What you can't make out is that one of those mountains in the background is Pikes Peak. When I took the pic I was more interested in the colors (and I was surprised how well they came out when I got the pic on my computer).

I did manage to get a closer look at what may be the best ditch to skate around here. It needs a bit of cleanup before I can skate it but it's nothing a push broom can't take care of. I'll try to remember to get a few pictures of it next time I'm out there.

Anyway, I'll try not to let three months go by next time. If there are any of you left that is.

QA

2007-01-11T22:50:00.000-07:00

It's like I forget this thing is here it seems. I just looked and it's been a month to the day since the last time I put anything up. And to think that I was going to start doing it some more.

Let's see, we made it through the holidays relatively unscathed but afterwards have been a bit, well, something.

One good thing is I seemed to have settled into a bit of a groove at the call center. Today I had what's called coaching (it's where my supervisor sits me down and goes over how I'm doing). It seems I'm doing fine other than I talk too much. Apparently, I have an ability to calm down most angry customers or at least not let them escalate the calls. Now if the company could get enough people on the phone to keep people from waiting an hour to talk to me.

I still feel sorry for some of them. It's kind of amazing just how much people depend on the Internet now days. Heck even ten years ago it wasn't like this. I was still using dial-up and residential high speed Internet was something that I read about on Usenet. Now the livelihood of people hinge on it (both Phrank and myself wouldn't be doing what we're doing if it weren't for it). Of course most of them accept that there can be disruptions in service and they're the ones who I seem to have the most sympathy.

Completely unrelated, I think I'm ready for winter to end. Or at least the snow to melt all the way out of the bowls at the skate park. For some reason the snow just piles up on the good transitions.

Up in smoke

2006-12-11T23:33:00.000-07:00

I'm approaching six months with out a cigarette. It's been long enough that I don't remember what I felt like when I did smoke (or what I smelled like). The fingers I used to hold my cigarettes have lost the yellow tinge that I thought was going to last forever. It seems that my sense of smell has improved, I can tell when I wake up late at night if the downstairs neighbors are smoking or not.

There are very few times I even think about wanting a smoke. The other day I was telling Phrank that one of the few times I find myself wanting one is after mopping the floors. She thought that was odd, I think. Although, the post mopping smoke was a habit I had for many years at the various gas stations I worked at. That's the thing about smoking, smokers use a cigarette as a reward or a moment to catch their breath (ironic as that may be).

The big test for me was probably driving back to Indiana by myself. I've been told over the years that road trips are a big deal breaker for people trying to quit. I can see that. I'd tried the drive before without smoking and it was pretty tough but this time I'd been off them long enough that it wasn't so bad. There were those moments late at night after the coffee had long stopped working that I would want one. Just as something to keep me awake.

Anyway, it seems that I'm going to keep this not smoking thing up. I kind of like not having to be outside when it's freaking cold. And my clothes don't seem to smell as bad, not to mention my car. Well the car still smells but that's just that french fry I lost.

Catching a sound wave

2006-12-09T22:42:00.000-07:00

It's just my luck that I discover that Sleater-Kinney was one of the greatest rock bands several months after they go on indefinite hiatus. The local library system has several of their albums and if I see on I'll grab it to give it a spin. Last Sunday, the album The Woods from 2005 (which apparently is their last album) was in so I grabbed it. I kind of don't want to return it. When I finally popped it in I was blown away. I've liked the other records I've heard by them but this one is something different. It seems to have all the elements of noise that make a good rock record for me. Just enough dissonance, catchy hooks and lyrics that seems to tell stories (and I'm beginning to think there is a theme to this album).

Due to such a wide selection of music at my local library (and a fresh stack of CDs from Paradox that cam in the mail yesterday) I am once again completely behind in my music. It going to be time to play catch up. And that doesn't even take into consideration the actual albums I've been picking up at thrift stores and garage sales.

There could be far worse things than having a lot of music to catch up on. And Phrank did get me one of the better Sonic Youth albums (Murray Street) to come out in the 00's (on CD and vinyl no less). That one I've actually listened to enough to come to that conclusion (and if you don't have it, get it).

And I still have plenty of room on my iPod.

Voices on the phone

2006-12-05T23:01:00.000-07:00

So I finally got the customer I was waiting to get. That would be the one that couldn't spell CNN. I'd been waiting for her since I hit the floor. There have been other people I've talked to who probably shouldn't have computers or access to the Internet. My coworker, Larry, was lucky in that he got her is first few days but that time she couldn't spell HBO. His was even better because that time he had to tell her HomeBoy Out to get her to spell it right. I just told her CharlieNancyNancy.

I use CNN.com as a test page because the page updates every thirty minutes or so. That way I know that it not a page loading from temporary files. Sometimes I get the guy that thinks I am trying to brainwash him by directing him to that site. Usually it's something like "you know they are part of the liberal media" or "I get my news from Fox, bub." Amazingly I have to explain that I didn't pick CNN because of their content but the fact that the frontpage stays pretty current. Although I have this sneaking suspicion that one day someone is going to be seriously offended that I've asked them to go to CNN and get so mad they'll want to talk to my supervisor.

I'm not sure about all of those people that live in Southern California.

Soul Sucking Jerks.

2006-11-30T22:29:00.000-07:00

It seems that winter has started. The cold hit finally. I don't mind it so much but defrosting and scraping the car in the morning can be a pain especially if I'm running late.

This new job of mine is sucking the life out of me I think. I never realized how much I dislike highly structured work environments until working here. Add to that the fact that no one ever calls when they're happy. The past four days were spent in a room they call the Icebox. And that's a literal description. I think I've begun to get sick from sitting in there all week.

And what's even better is everything we were taught this week in training is going to be obsolete within a month or so. WooHoo!

You know I should probably think of something nice to say about the place but I just can't. Okay, some of the people that work there are nice.

I really think I had something else to say when I sat down here but I can't remember.

Customer Disservice

2006-11-22T00:18:00.000-07:00

I've decided I would really hate to be a customer of the company I work for or at least certain customers. It seems that the standards are set in such a way in the call center that some customers will get stuck in an infernal loop of transfers that a resolution to their problem is impossible. Most of this is due to the fact that we as agents can only be on the phone for so long, and to keep call times down people get transfered. I'm new enough that my call length by far exceeds what is expected of agents on the floor. It seems that if we weren't trying to keep our times down so much we may be able to take care of many issues without transferring people.

Although after being on the side of the phone I am now, I can see why at times it's taken several calls to some companies to get a resolution. It completely depends on which agent you get calling a given call center. There is a lot for agents to know and not all of them even know the basics. It seems I have a fair handle on what I'm supposed to know and can come to a resolution for a customer much of the time. But I still get those questions that stump me. Most of the time it turns out to be Windows issue or something unrelated to my job. Like the fellow who wanted me to setup his printer over the phone.

The really funny thing about having this job is that I really hate answering the phone. Ask Phrank, she'd tell you. Or any of my past roommates that I've shared a phone with. I really can't answer why I took this job other than the benefits are good and I might pick some things up for the next step.

Boring email

2006-11-19T22:39:00.000-07:00

Ever since I've started on the phones I've been asking myself a question. Why the hell would anyone use an email address provided by an ISP (Internet Service Provider)? I can't count the amount of calls I've taken where people are having issues with their email. Due to the ever changing nature of the telecommunications industry it doesn't make sense to me to use an email address where the potential for the address to change several months from now is high. Not only that but most ISP have stingy limits on the storage space on their servers. The company I work for had a max limit of 100 megs, that's tiny! Not to mention the amount of spam they seem to receive. There really is only one advantage that I can see and that's the ease of configuring email client programs (and even that is a lame excuse).

Perhaps it's a generational thing, it does seem that it's the over 55 set that uses the company's provided email more than the younger ones. There is that age group that still believes one can trust the companies one does business with.

Who's to say? And if you made it this far, sorry about your eyes glazing over. But I'm having to work myself back into this blog thing. I'll get better I promise.

I'm not even sure which circle it is...

2006-11-12T23:04:00.000-07:00

I imagine by this point writing anything here is probably like talking to myself. I've pretty much forgotten about this little section of the Internet. The truth is I've been far more interested in being a passive participate out here on the Interwebs lately.

What's new? Well since you asked, I've left the print industry. And yet I've still managed to descend into a new level of customer service hell (hey it's a start). If you're reading this from the LA region then I represent what most likely is your local cable company (for job security I think I'll leave it nameless) and I am answering your angry phone calls about why you can't get online. Yep, it's a call center. In the high speed Internet division.

The thing about this job is that nobody ever calls us when things are going good. And some people are really freaking pissed when they call. I guess the advantage is they aren't able to physically do any harm.

It's only been a month. I do like the fact that I have coworkers again. That's nice.

Something tells me this new job could provide ample ground for new gripes here at Surly Pump Monkey. Like the lady that couldn't spell HBO (Larry took that call).